Tuesday, February 7, 2012

whatever you do, please don't flush

This is one of the crazy sentences that we have to say to anyone that walks into our house. I have very fond memories of Guatemala, but one of the things that made my stomach turn was that we weren't allowed to flush any toilet paper EVER. I kind of want to gag just writing it. Well, even though this isn't exactly the same thing...it's strange. One of Eliana's biggest triggers is the toilet. If anyone flushes or if she can hear a flush within a 30 mile radius, she loses her mind. I don't mean she cries...I mean she screams, throws herself on the ground, flushes repeatedly over and over, begs you to flush again (don't be fooled...she wants to hit you when you do it), and then proceeds to have a major panic attack. I know that so much of this is tied to control. She doesn't want to lose control and for some reason, Chris or me flushing the toilet puts her over the edge.

Whenever she goes to school or is playing outside, I run around the house flushing the toilets. Please tell me I'm not insane?! And, I will save the "don't turn on or off the lights" post for another day. We keep begging God to reveal what is going on in her precious little head. We know it's not about flushing or lights...but we know she has experienced some kind of trauma. I so wish I could have protected her in her biological mom's womb or in her foster home. I wish I could have protected her from whatever happened. Unfortunately, every day is getting darker and darker. Last night, she had a few huge episodes and didn't fall asleep until 5:45 a.m. Most of y'all were about to wake up for the day when she decided to finally give in to sleep. And let's not forget that Chris has a job spreading awareness to high school and college students about orphan care....and I have lyme disease. My prayer is for answers...we feel so helpless and we love her so much. We love her enough to not ever flush our toilets. :)

8 comments:

Erica said...

Oh Lindsey!! I am laughing but beyond the laugh I'm broken for you all. Praying praying praying like crazy for peace, wisdom, relief, and revelation. ((((HUGS)))) friend!!

GilMichelini said...

Amazing how those first few years have such an impact on our lives. How is she about being behind shut doors?

Gigi - BB said...

Lindsey, I just had a friend tell me that you "must take them back to their infancy" when you adopt a child. Especially a child from another country. I don't fully understand this statement except that most of these children missed their infancy, toddler time, etc. & never got to grow up normally & if you take them all the way back & grow them up from the beginning with you then you have a fighting chance. I don't know if this makes sense, or if you have already heard this. This comes from a friend that adopted a child from Haiti. Love & hugs! Paulette

~Isabel said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, Lindsey....

Know that I pray for the three if you daily....

Holli said...

Lindsey, You probably don't remember me, but I am the woman who passed you some $ at the embassy to replace your diaper bag :-). I still find myself checking the blogs of folks whose stories I followed back in the day.

I'm sure you aren't seeking advice, as I can imagine you've turned over every possible stone in seeking out answers, but I did want to share one resource with you that literally turned our family around. A woman named Heather Forbes has a unique perspective of trauma and it's effects, and ways we can address them. I think it is worth checking out. I don't think it is THE answer, but I think you might glean some things that could prove helpful. (beyondconsequences.com)

Praying for you. We have had a rough road as well (although a different road than you) and are just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (in part thanks to Heather).

Jesus sees and knows and walks with you through this. You and Chris (and Eliana) are NOT alone.

Prayers

Holli

The Livelys said...

Lindsey, I have followed your blog for a long time. I ache for the turmoil you are going through. I once read that Satan does not like adoption...I have seen evidence of that over and over since reading that statement. I pray for you as your night is just beginning, that Satan will no longer wage war in her little body. That somehow, someway she can find rest, spiritually and physically, along with you and Chris.

Leah Maya Benjamin said...

I cannot imagine, poor girl what has went on in her life.
boy don't knwo where you lived but I was there 8 months and we flushed toliet paper down the toilets both places I lived.

Lindsey said...

Thanks for the encouragement y'all!!! It means so much to me...and Holli, of course I remember you. Your gift to us will NEVER be forgotten. You were such a huge encouragement to us. Thanks for commenting!

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