Tuesday, February 14, 2012

if I was a celebrity, I'd be in rehab

...for exhaustion. How many headlines have I read lately on people.com (don't judge) that tell all about the latest celebrity that has had a breakdown and is in some beautiful rehab in Arizona. To be honest, I have actually had thoughts the last couple of days of how wonderful that would be. I could call up my nine nannies, my publicist and head off somewhere by myself to clear the craziness that is in my head. I know all of this sounds dramatic but I never said I wasn't. I need someone to make me my "Lyme approved" meals and force me to exercise. I need approximately 250 hours of counseling.

We are trying desperately to get E on the right medication for her anxiety and it is so hard. I have lost it more than once this week. If you know me, you know that I am not an angry person...I deal with life more internally which manifests itself in depression. But, this week I've actually screamed. Lord, help me. It's like I'm outside of my body and I'm thinking who is this person. When Eliana fell asleep a few nights ago at 5:45 a.m., I came downstairs and LOST it. It was not pretty. It was not my finest moment. I wish I could tell you I am in a better space. I'm praying, I'm reading scripture and Jesus Calling...but I'm human and am still struggling. There are only so many rages you can go through in a day before you stop dreaming about vacation and long for celebrity rehab.


Bekah said...

Lindsey--I think about you guys lots of times throughout each day. My heart just hurts for what you are going through. The physical and emotional toll that e's sleep issues/rages and your disease are taking is not sustainable for anyone. I wish there was something we could do on top of just praying and begging God to deliver you. I am so sorry.

Erin said...

I know we're not super-tight, lifelong friends, but I get it. Not as a parent, but as one who has sat up until 5:45 with my own anxiety. I. Get. It.

If you ever want to talk - even at 5:45 - call me. I'm ok with the "ugly" of anxiety. I'm ok with the fact that despite your deep, unrelenting love for your daughter, there are times you don't "like" her. And that is fine! I think sometimes God probably doesn't "like" us much, either.

Keep on keeping on.
I'll keep praying.

And know that I'm here.

Jami said...

Lindsey, I remember for "meeting" you through blogworld while you were in Guatemala waiting to bring E home. Recently, I found this blog and I've been reading and praying for you. My heart truly aches for you. God truly shines through your honest, real, posts. Just wanted to let you know, I'm praying for you, sister.

Holli said...

My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you.
It seems UNFAIR that you are holding two such heavy situations at once (your illness and Eliana's issues). I'm so sorry.
Not that you do, but don't beat yourself up for losing it, for being weak, for getting angry. Most parents have those moments under the best of circumstances.
Thank you for inviting complete strangers into your journey with you--your sisters (and brothers) are standing with you in this and pleading for mercy.

Leah Maya Benjamin said...

How could you not scream, life is too hard with no sleep. Thinking of you all and hopign that you can find something that works.

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