Tuesday, January 22, 2013

let food be thy medicine

When Chris and I got back to Franklin from Christmas break, we knew that a lot needed to change.  Looking back on 2012, I realized that I had spent so much of 2012 just "making it"...begging God for a miracle...for healing and change.  But, I wasn't really holding up my end of the bargain.  It wasn't necessarily anyone's fault, but Chris and I did not eat great.  We ate what was easy...what was cheap.  My fatigue and pain put us in a position of relying on fast food to bring us our dinners because I didn't have the energy to go to the store or to even think about food or recipes or a healthy lifestyle.  When I thought about it...got overwhelmed...and would call Chris and tell him to just grab something for us on his way home from work.  It was such a frustrating thing to be a part of.  I kept watching my weight go up.  It wasn't like I was sitting at home eating all day.  It was literally that my body has been starving for nutrients.  My body is so sick...and the food I was eating did not aid in healing.

So, here we are...Day 20.  I'm feeling so thankful.  Yes, I still feel very sick...very fatigued.  But, there are glimmers of hope more so than I've felt in a few years.  I was able to run around with Eliana at the park on Saturday and play pretend with her.  I could have just sobbed watching her laugh her head off with me.  I have actually prepared a few meals for our family in the last week (gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free).  I feel like a "real" wife and mom for the first time in a long time.  I know I am always a wife and mom...but I have felt so low just living in bed.  I still go from activities like this straight to bed to rest...but I'm up for a little bit.  And, I'm celebrating that fact!!  This is a new part to my Lyme journey and something that our family is going to live from here on out.  Chris is a professional juicer for our family...he loves it!!  He has led us so unbelievably.  He takes many trips to the store...we are watching food documentaries every night together...and we are both googling and studying everything we can about food and its healing properties.  God gave us our food for a reason and unfortunately, I'm afraid the food we were eating wasn't really even food and far from what God designed.

Please keep praying for our family.  Pray for strength as we continue to learn and grow in this process.  Pray for my heart (especially at night)...I so look forward to the day that playing with E and being out of bed is the norm.  Keep praying for our sweet girl.  We have had some good days, but she is still struggling.  She is hilarious and tender-hearted and crazy!!  We love everything about her.  But, life is exhausting.  I am hoping to continue my Lyme treatments after a few months of getting myself on the right track with my food.  Be praying for financial provision through all of this.  It is super expensive to live this kind of life and continue with my treatments.  But, I know that it will be SO worth it!!  We love you all so much and are so thankful for your prayers, encouragement, generosity and support.  We couldn't do this without ya'll.

Love you so much,

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

so long 2012

I have been in bed for the last 40 hours out of 48 hours (maybe even more).  No lie.  This is not exactly how I wanted to ring in 2013.  I got out of bed yesterday because Chris was amazing and made a NYE dinner for Eliana and me.  I ate the dinner and went straight back to sleep.  At midnight, we prayed together and I watched more Downton Abbey (I've probably watched all of the seasons 45 times each).  Most of the time I'm sleeping...the other moments I'm begging God for relief and energy.  I'm thankful to hear Eliana's laughs in the other room.  Chris has done so many fun things with her over the Christmas break.  Tonight, I walked upstairs to help install one of her Christmas presents and decided to clean her room.  Now, I'm back in bed...in pain...exhausted...and googling everything I can on this horrific disease I have.

Googling "Lyme disease treatments" is probably the most discouraging, confusing thing I will ever do.  Unless you have a PhD in biochemistry, you will click around the computer feeling helpless and hopeless.  I've gone to 2 LLMD's (Lyme literate doctors) and 1 detoxification specialist and I can't stop crying.  We've been so focused on Eliana for the last 2 months, that I've just pushed my symptoms/feelings to the back burner. Well, it's officially 2013 and I feel so sad tonight.  We've spent thousands of dollars...thousands (again, I have to tell you thank you for being hope to us in this).  God is so gracious and gave Chris Girls of Grace conferences to do and that helps as well.  But, it is very discouraging to spend that much money and still feel the same...the exact same.  My head goes through a thousand "what ifs" or "does this cause this" or "would I be better if we didn't have so much stress."  The bottom line is that I will never know the answer to these things.  Because I'm in bed so much of the time, my metabolism is so out of whack...and my weight continues to sky rocket.  Some people with Lyme lose tons of weight and some gain tons of weight.  I remember looking at my doctor and jokingly saying "why can't I be sick and skinny."  I obviously know there is so much more to life than this.  It's just another area that leaves me feeling sad and lonely. 

I guess because it's the beginning of the new year, I just feel desperate for a plan.  No, I do not want to have any resolutions (except to maybe get out of bed each day).  I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me what to do.  I want them to take me by the hand, lead me to someone who can help and then cheer me on in my healing process (and for it to be covered by insurance).  The unfortunate part of this is that there aren't a lot of answers to help people like me.  There is no right way or wrong way.  It's a ton of trial and error.  I have multiple co-infections and actually have tested for a few other infections not related to Lyme.  I ask God for the next right step...and I know He gives it to me.  But, I'm frustrated that none of my next right steps are adding up to healing.  Oh yikes, maybe this is really where God wants me to be?!!  I just had that flash in my foggy, tired brain.  I look normal on the outside.  But, I feel like I am barely surviving on the inside.  I try to put on a smile and a brave face, but I'm just so tired and weak tonight.  I need prayers friends.  Please be praying for healing for me.  It takes a lot of strength, patience and energy to be a good momma to Eliana...and by the end of the day, I am zapped.  I long for the day when I feel like "me" again.  Lord, please heal me.  Please.

Love you all,

PS.  I hope the Lord was speaking to me through that fortune cookie! :)  I know He was through the rainbow.


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