really??

Sometimes I get mad at Jesus Calling...there, I said it. I feel better now. I actually love reading from this devotional every day, but lately I have found myself saying things like "really God?!" and "you aren't giving us more than we can handle, really?!" So here is where you find out I struggle with sarcasm. Tonight, as Eliana was in a full blown rage (which equals ripping my hair, biting, scratching, etc...), a TICK walked across my shirt. "Really God?!" I let out the loudest laugh (not a happy laugh) when Chris retrieved the tick. I am trying my darnedest to be praying over E, remaining calm when I'm really sick of getting hurt, and a tick (basically my greatest fear) walks across me. I am not...repeat...not feeling good. I'm in crazy pain and I'm sad beyond measure watching E struggle. I know she needs therapy...heck, we all need therapy. But, it's all so expensive and we work for a non-profit. And then, just when I can't take anymore, I read this verse in Jesus Calling (side note: she's upstairs raging and my amazing husband is loving her through it to give me a break). "Yet I am ALWAYS with you; you hold me by my right hand." (Psalm 73:23) I need you Jesus...thanks for reminding me tonight that You will never leave me.

the "weight" of the world

(Example of my "FACE" picture...it hides a multitude of sins.)

So, now I'm really getting real. One of the not great parts about having Lyme disease/stress/not sleeping is that my body has revolted against me. And, that means I have gained an absurd amount of weight in the last few years. For those of you that have seen me, you know. For those of you that haven't, just know you ONLY see my face in pictures (and that is rare). My body is sick. And when you stay up until 4-6 a.m. every single night...you get hungry at 2 in the morning. My sweet husband has some kind of crazy metabolism (given to him by his dad) and has not gained one single pound since we got married. Hip hip hooray!! Me on the other hand...different story. I feel like you can look at me and see the nights of stress all over my body and face. I'm not asking for words like..."oh Lindsey, you're still pretty" or "what a beautiful face (code for you would look pretty if you lost weight)". I have focused most all of my attention on my precious E...but I have let myself down in the process. I am sick. My body is sick. My body hurts. My body keeps gaining weight. It's hard to walk. It's hard to leave the house. And, this is so not me. I feel like I'm stuck in another body. The crazy thing is that I know what I need to do. But, I can't get to the grocery store and cooking is the last thing on earth I feel like doing with this kind of pain and fatigue. So, I give up. Most every single night, I have crazy heart palpitations (just another symptom of lyme). Some nights I tell Chris just so he knows what's going on if I pass out. But, most days and nights, I just try to be tough and try not to think about the pain.

I want to be healthy...I just feel stuck. I want to be the best version of me for me and for my family...and it's going to require supernatural energy (because I do not have it). Please pray for me in the next few weeks. My pain is so intense, I can't ignore this anymore. I'm pretty sure "juicing" is in my future. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement...we couldn't do this without ya'll. Lord, help me.

the lyme blues

You can only go so many nights without sleep before your body gives out...and mine officially has. It definitely doesn't help that I have a disease...a disease that requires extra sleep. And guess what I'm not getting?!! Sleep. It feels like a sick joke. I can't escape at night to my wing of the house because we live in a 1,200 square foot house. Plus, our sweet girl loses it when doors are closed or we arent available 24/7...so Chris and I really can't take turns. We are all in. I now know when I'm about to hit the wall. Usually my hands start hurting...and then my arms...and Lord help me, when it hits my legs and feet, I lose it. Update: I've lost it. Eliana has been sick all week and hasn't gone to school plus she's been extra clingy. And, when I'm in this much pain and her panic attacks/rages begin, I want to drive directly to Florida and sit on a beach by myself for approximately a month. Anyone have a beach house I can borrow?! Ugh...this would be hard without Lyme disease. Thanks for praying. I haven't stopped my midnight prayers for y'all!

for better or for worse, in sickness and in health

It is still so hard to believe that I've been married to Chris for 8 years. Each year I definitely know less and less (probably because I'm not sleeping)...but the only thing I do know is that I can't imagine doing this life without him. We have gone through a heck of a lot in the last 8 years. But, there is no one I would rather fight through life with than him. From the very beginning, it was very clear that God put him in my life at the exact moment I needed him. The Lord knew I needed to be married to a committed, faithful, loving husband before the trials really began. And, he has stuck it out with me. Things I love about him: he cries when I'm hurting, he laughs when I laugh, he sleeps with Eliana to make her feel safe, he loves the things I love (or pretends to love them), he is passionate, he is dorky, he is funny, he makes me roll my eyes a lot, he loves fishing and camping, his alarm clock goes off every single day at 5 p.m. and it says "now I go home to my real job", he is a hard worker, he is the best gift giver (my love language), he is fiercely defensive of special needs kiddos, he is loyal and honest, he is the best daddy, he is creative, he loves building fire pits with Eliana, he loves playing games, he is always ready for an adventure, he is strong when I am not, he is vulnerable and isn't afraid to cry, he drives with no heat or air to save our family money, he lets me sleep for hours on weekends, he works as many speaking jobs as he can to help provide, he loves the beach (my favorite place on earth), he is desperate for the Lord, and he prays with me every single night. He is a good man. I know that I have a rare gift...and I'm so grateful.

if I was a celebrity, I'd be in rehab

...for exhaustion. How many headlines have I read lately on people.com (don't judge) that tell all about the latest celebrity that has had a breakdown and is in some beautiful rehab in Arizona. To be honest, I have actually had thoughts the last couple of days of how wonderful that would be. I could call up my nine nannies, my publicist and head off somewhere by myself to clear the craziness that is in my head. I know all of this sounds dramatic but I never said I wasn't. I need someone to make me my "Lyme approved" meals and force me to exercise. I need approximately 250 hours of counseling.

We are trying desperately to get E on the right medication for her anxiety and it is so hard. I have lost it more than once this week. If you know me, you know that I am not an angry person...I deal with life more internally which manifests itself in depression. But, this week I've actually screamed. Lord, help me. It's like I'm outside of my body and I'm thinking who is this person. When Eliana fell asleep a few nights ago at 5:45 a.m., I came downstairs and LOST it. It was not pretty. It was not my finest moment. I wish I could tell you I am in a better space. I'm praying, I'm reading scripture and Jesus Calling...but I'm human and am still struggling. There are only so many rages you can go through in a day before you stop dreaming about vacation and long for celebrity rehab.

a glimpse of her preciousness

...as our post-adoptive trauma hero (Dr. Karyn Purvis) would say,

"Don't ever forget their preciousness."

whatever you do, please don't flush

This is one of the crazy sentences that we have to say to anyone that walks into our house. I have very fond memories of Guatemala, but one of the things that made my stomach turn was that we weren't allowed to flush any toilet paper EVER. I kind of want to gag just writing it. Well, even though this isn't exactly the same thing...it's strange. One of Eliana's biggest triggers is the toilet. If anyone flushes or if she can hear a flush within a 30 mile radius, she loses her mind. I don't mean she cries...I mean she screams, throws herself on the ground, flushes repeatedly over and over, begs you to flush again (don't be fooled...she wants to hit you when you do it), and then proceeds to have a major panic attack. I know that so much of this is tied to control. She doesn't want to lose control and for some reason, Chris or me flushing the toilet puts her over the edge.

Whenever she goes to school or is playing outside, I run around the house flushing the toilets. Please tell me I'm not insane?! And, I will save the "don't turn on or off the lights" post for another day. We keep begging God to reveal what is going on in her precious little head. We know it's not about flushing or lights...but we know she has experienced some kind of trauma. I so wish I could have protected her in her biological mom's womb or in her foster home. I wish I could have protected her from whatever happened. Unfortunately, every day is getting darker and darker. Last night, she had a few huge episodes and didn't fall asleep until 5:45 a.m. Most of y'all were about to wake up for the day when she decided to finally give in to sleep. And let's not forget that Chris has a job spreading awareness to high school and college students about orphan care....and I have lyme disease. My prayer is for answers...we feel so helpless and we love her so much. We love her enough to not ever flush our toilets. :)

top 5 things you are probably not doing at midnight (but we are)

1. Calming your child down from a legendary rage
2. Laughing (to keep from crying) while my husband creates a summer sausage/cheese platter
3. Googling the best under eye treatment for dark circles for 2011
4. Deciding to try something insane that the new neurologist suggested and give my child a coke
5. Balancing the checkbook

We are trying to make the best of this night...now I am off to pray for you.