dang anxiety

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

"You are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14b

Let me just sum up the last day and a half in two words (or three if you add the &)...fear & anxiety. And, it's not just our sweet Eliana...I am really struggling again. Last night was really rough. She woke up at 3 in the morning with what we only figure was a terrible nightmare. It literally sent her into a gigantic rage/panic attack in one second. Chris was sleeping with her...and I ran upstairs as soon as I heard what was going on. It was scary. It's not fun watching your child screaming, throwing their little bodies all over the place, foaming at the mouth (we are pretty sure she had a seizure), and disconnected from reality. She was so filled with anxiety that she did not go back to sleep. Today, her little smile was gone. We had her big follow-up visit at Vanderbilt and again, panic set in quickly. I was helping two nurses try to hold her down to get vitals (I really wanted to scream "do you really need her blood pressure"), and they were shocked by her rage. I rattle off my 3 paragraph story of why she is the way she is and try to remain super calm. Then, we take her into see the doctor. This is kind of where I lose it. Today, our doctor started sharing things that weren't made clear because of the craziness of the hospital. But, some serious realities set in. One of those is that there is no reversing what is damaged in her little brain (apart from God miraculously healing her). There are two parts that are damaged (from the MRI)...one is congenital and one they said is probably damaged because of PTSD. I kind of felt like I was punched in the stomach. She told me that this process will be slow and more than likely will be life-long (oh man, I am longing for heaven). She told me Eliana is a difficult case because she has a lot of different issues and we will never know the whys because of her adoption. There is no label for E or a specific diagnosis. She said we will not know what she will be like as a teenager or adult. She said, "will she be able to live a fully functioning, independent adult life? We don't know." Okay, so there was a lot more but I will stop there.

I walked out of the office and felt like I was going to throw up. I think (no, I know) I was panicking. Then, we were sitting in the Vanderbilt snack area, and I started crying which I try to not do in front of E. One of the sweet nurses came over to me out of the blue, hugged me, and said "God's got this"..."He chose you to be her parents"...and a few other things that made me bawl and hug her. I told her what a blessing she was to me and she said "takes one to know one" which made me laugh. But, seriously, thank you God for putting her in my path. My mind can get going thinking about what it could look like 20 years in the future and that does me NO good. I might not be here tomorrow. These verses are more than just challenging...they are what's keeping me grounded. Please pray for E right now...she had another major panic attack tonight. We are now watching Curious George for the 1,000th time in the last two weeks. Thanks for praying. Much love.

P.S. I am still praising God for the breakthroughs we have made...none of this changes that!