Wednesday, March 14, 2012

dang anxiety

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

"You are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14b

Let me just sum up the last day and a half in two words (or three if you add the &)...fear & anxiety. And, it's not just our sweet Eliana...I am really struggling again. Last night was really rough. She woke up at 3 in the morning with what we only figure was a terrible nightmare. It literally sent her into a gigantic rage/panic attack in one second. Chris was sleeping with her...and I ran upstairs as soon as I heard what was going on. It was scary. It's not fun watching your child screaming, throwing their little bodies all over the place, foaming at the mouth (we are pretty sure she had a seizure), and disconnected from reality. She was so filled with anxiety that she did not go back to sleep. Today, her little smile was gone. We had her big follow-up visit at Vanderbilt and again, panic set in quickly. I was helping two nurses try to hold her down to get vitals (I really wanted to scream "do you really need her blood pressure"), and they were shocked by her rage. I rattle off my 3 paragraph story of why she is the way she is and try to remain super calm. Then, we take her into see the doctor. This is kind of where I lose it. Today, our doctor started sharing things that weren't made clear because of the craziness of the hospital. But, some serious realities set in. One of those is that there is no reversing what is damaged in her little brain (apart from God miraculously healing her). There are two parts that are damaged (from the MRI) is congenital and one they said is probably damaged because of PTSD. I kind of felt like I was punched in the stomach. She told me that this process will be slow and more than likely will be life-long (oh man, I am longing for heaven). She told me Eliana is a difficult case because she has a lot of different issues and we will never know the whys because of her adoption. There is no label for E or a specific diagnosis. She said we will not know what she will be like as a teenager or adult. She said, "will she be able to live a fully functioning, independent adult life? We don't know." Okay, so there was a lot more but I will stop there.

I walked out of the office and felt like I was going to throw up. I think (no, I know) I was panicking. Then, we were sitting in the Vanderbilt snack area, and I started crying which I try to not do in front of E. One of the sweet nurses came over to me out of the blue, hugged me, and said "God's got this"..."He chose you to be her parents"...and a few other things that made me bawl and hug her. I told her what a blessing she was to me and she said "takes one to know one" which made me laugh. But, seriously, thank you God for putting her in my path. My mind can get going thinking about what it could look like 20 years in the future and that does me NO good. I might not be here tomorrow. These verses are more than just challenging...they are what's keeping me grounded. Please pray for E right now...she had another major panic attack tonight. We are now watching Curious George for the 1,000th time in the last two weeks. Thanks for praying. Much love.

P.S. I am still praising God for the breakthroughs we have made...none of this changes that!


Isylla-Beth said...

Praying for your sweet family, If God brings you too it, He will bring you thru it.

Elaine said...

Oh, Lindsey. My heart aches for you. I'm continuing to pray daily. Love you.

jennifer said...

One day at a time sweet friend. Praise God through the storm because the storm is what brings us our rainbows. Much love from another Guat Momma :)

Bekah said...

I have no words. My heart grieves for your sweet family. Someday Heaven. No more tears or crying or pain.

Holli said...

When you walk through the waters, I will be with you.
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned
Nor shall the flame scorch you,
For I Am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Is. 43)

It is those God trusts the most that He allows deep adversity. I think of Job, and how much God esteemed him.

There is a way through this darkness. Hold tightly to that. In this time of deadness and winter, it seems as though things will always be so. I firmly believe the Spring and Summer, times of rejoicing and celebrating, will come. I've seen it over and over and over and over and over. I can't say when, but I know God is faithful. You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

God has a specific purpose for Eliana and her life. He is not caught by surprise in all of this.

So, hold fast. Help is on the way. Your God is a Mighty Warrior (The Lord, Mighty in Battle). There are times it seems our enemy is winning, but that is just an illusion. God always wins!

Holding you and your sweet family before our Father, asking for his mercy, protection and a strong sense of His presence during this time.

The Pitts' Boys said...

I'm overwhelmed with sorrow for you. I pray that God will give you wisdom. I see many of my favorite verses to which I have clung over the years. I pray over you simply to remember that Jesus will never, ever let you go. He is in charge of your situation and He CAN heal E. I pray that He chooses to. I know it's hard to know how hard it is to wonder what God has in store for your sweet girl. I also know that in all of it--you have a tremendous faith and I am encouraged by that. I pray HUGE BLESSINGS on you.

Hannah said...

Lindsey I want to say I'm sorry but somehow that doesn't sound right. I hate the hurting that is taking it's toll on all of you. I look at that sweet face of Eliana's and know that the Lord has a plan for her. He can heal your sweet baby girl just like he healed Dmitry's heart. The only thing he can't do is fail. I will pray for all three of you.

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