Friday, January 20, 2012

how are you?

Why do people (me included) feel the need to keep smiling and pretend like everything is okay when it isn't?? I used to be the best at it. I was one heck of a people pleaser...maybe even a little bit of a doormat. I had a relatively easy childhood on the outside. I had great friends and people (especially the Stowers family) thought I was funny...oh, and I thought I could dance. Then, life started happening and things started spinning out of control in 2004. Actually, I felt like a bomb had gone off in my life and I would never recover from it. What made this a little bit more complicated was that Chris and I got married in February of 2004. Chris thought he was marrying a godly, strong, independent, orphan-loving, people person...I'm pretty sure he didn't expect that 6 months into our marriage, I would be curled up in bed for most of the year. I don't remember a lot of it. I do have a few memories of being really mean, but I wish I didn't remember those things. There is a lot to this story but know that my world was officially turned upside down.

I went from being a counselor to quite a few people to needing intense counseling. I used to smile and say "I'm great" when someone said "How are you"...and then started answering with the bold, in your face, honest truth to the point that people didn't know how to react to me. I told it just like it was, to the point of making the other person feel uncomfortable. I know that there is some kind of in between...I am still trying to find that place. This season with Eliana is intense on a lot of levels. I won't sugarcoat it. It is hard. To top it off, I am sick (with Lyme disease). There are nights Chris and I cry our eyes out or times that it's so bad, we laugh our heads off. The truth is that God made Eliana in His image and He chose her TO BE A WHEELER. She is ours...and He chose us to be her parents. I will never be embarrassed by where we are at in this process. I have stopped getting upset when people don't get it. I just move forward. There are people that will never get it or don't want to hear about it. I long to be real. Thanks for being real with turns out, ya'll aren't just in my "midnight prayers" are on my heart all day long.


Reba said...

Love this post. I am struggling with the embarrassment issue with one of mine. That being said, our God is a God of hope. And the changes we are seeing in another one of ours gives us that hope. He can change lives!

The Heinrichs said...

Linds I love you anyway you are! no need to sugar coat anything with me... tell it as it is!!! sometimes you just need to get it all out and if people dont like it well you dont need them in your life!!! Believe me one day we will make it out to visit and you and Chris can get all the rest you want and Auri and I will rock it out all night with E and will enjoy every minute of it and then we will catch up on our sleep on the flight!!! xo!

Holly said...

Yes! I definitely fall into the smile and say you're fine when it's really not. Sometimes, people don't need to know everything that's going, but, especially with friends and family, you should be free to be real and tell them things aren't great. Or they are great. Either way, you need to be real in life/relationships. It's OK to admit things aren't perfect and ask for help or prayers or whatever. There's a freedom that comes from being real and open with others.

Moreover, one thing I've been learning is it's OK to be real with God. It's OK to tell Him when you are mad/sad/hurt/etc. There is freedom in that as well.

Bekah said...

I cannot even imagine the ride your sweet family has been on. Continual exhaustion can drive anyone crazy. The confusion, frustration, sadness, etc. that your sickness and E's sleep issues must produce is more than I can wrap my head around. I think of you guys often and pray but mostly just groan because I don't know what exactly to pray. I will continue to ask for healing over your family and anything else you want me to specifically pray for.

Leah Maya Benjamin said...

I"m glad you are feeling like you can be real, I htink its alot better then trying to fake it. We came home not long before you did after living in Gautemala the last 8 months of Maya's adoption (total of 16.5 months)

Amanda said... be honest...I TOTALLY THINK YOU AND CHRIS are total ROCKSTARS!! I am so blessed to be able to call you friend (even though we NEVER get to see each other!). I LOVE the honesty...keep it coming dear!! I would love to make a trip to the Wheeler House...I'd help out for 2 or 3 days so you can get some rest.

The Ranch Mom said...

You are on my heart and you are still hilarious!!! I love you and can't wait to be a follower of your journey God has you on! What a warrior!

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