Thursday, May 9, 2013

family sticks together

Yesterday was a big day for our precious was kindergarten preview day!  This is a day that I have pretty much looked forward to and dreaded all at the same time.  I can't believe Eliana is old enough for kindergarten.  I feel like it was just yesterday when we stepped off of the airplane from Guatemala holding her in our arms...our little forever family finally together in the U.S.  So much has happened since bringing her home.  We've had extreme highs and extreme lows...but our love has never wavered.  She is our gift from God.  Her name means "God answered our prayers" and He did.  I could not have birthed a child more perfect for us.  I truly believe that. 

After preview day, we had an incident that will forever be ingrained in my memory.  Eliana was exhausted beyond belief and full of anxiety from her big morning in a new school surrounded by tons of faces.  Sweet girl went to the bathroom four times in two hours....four.  On the outside she looked like all of the other kindergartners, but on the inside I knew she was struggling...full of questions and worry.  A few hours after we left, I ran her to the UPS store to mail something to a friend.  She seemed fine.  Then, just like a flip of a light switch...she was not fine.  We had walked to the car and I turned around and she was GONE.  Seriously, two seconds.  I looked frantically and saw her through the windows of the dry cleaners next to UPS.  So, I take off running (this is not abnormal...I chase her everywhere).  I walk in and in a calm voice tell the lady behind the counter that I am so sorry.  She barely spoke English which just made everything worse.  Eliana was already in the back of the dry cleaners...losing her mind.  This is not a tantrum that "normal" five year olds have...this is a child experiencing an intense panic attack.  I ran in the back and things went from bad to worse in a few short minutes.  She was weaving in and out of the racks of freshly cleaned clothes...I'm praying nothing would get ruined or broken.  Her panic turned to rage and lasted more than 15 minutes in front of a woman that did not have a clue what was going on.  I remained calm and tried every Karyn Purvis trick in the book....EVERY SINGLE ONE!  If you have not parented a "trauma" child...this might not make sense.  You can't grab your child and walk out.  If I grabbed her, all hell would break loose.  I just kept calmly telling Eliana "you are safe"..."let's go pick up daddy"..."I love you"..."I'm so sorry you're anxious" over and over.  The lady is looking at me like I am a child abuser.  A lot more happened, but you get the idea. 

Then, the lady says, "ma'am, your car is getting wet."  I look out the window and realized when I took off running after Eliana, I left my car door open.  And much to my surprise (and the lady), the sprinkler system went on ALL inside my car.  I am literally watching 3 different sprinklers spraying inside my car and I can't do anything about it.  Honestly, I think I might have laughed at this point.  So, I am telling Eliana that we need to go close the doors, our car is getting soaked, etc...that didn't help.  So, after a long while...I get her to the front of the store.  And, finally I am luring her to the car with promises that we need to get some food or a treat.  Things didn't get better in the car.  She lost it on a whole new level.  I want to protect her and not share details...but it was pretty horrific.  I was begging God to bring peace, trying my best not to cry or scream or lose it.  Finally, my sweet girl became exhausted.

The next thing that happened broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  I looked in the back seat and she is curled up in a ball crying her eyes out.  I just kept repeating..."It's safe baby"..."no one is going to get you"..."I'm not going anywhere."  She looked at me sobbing and said "momma, I'm so sorry" and "momma, are you going to give me away?"  Then continued to repeat, "please don't give me away."  I'm crying just writing this.  Eliana has NEVER heard those words come out of our mouths...she does not even fully understand her adoption.  This is a deep, dark wound that was left when she was given up as a baby.  I cried and just told her a thousand times over that we would NEVER leave her.  That she is 100% our girl and we are family.  I repeated our biggest family rule that "FAMILY STICKS TOGETHER."  I couldn't tell her enough how much Chris and I loved her.  The fact that she has to struggle with this makes me want to cry for days on end.  But, we are making breakthroughs.  And her counselor said this was a really good sign that she is being vulnerable.  Her heart is precious and tender.  There are moments when our little family of 3 feels like we are in a war and then other times, I feel so incredibly blessed.  This was one of those moments.  I was hurting for what just happened...but overwhelmed with the love I have for my girl.  Like I said before, I truly believe with all of my heart, God created her for us.  We will keep fighting to help her little heart heal.  We will not give up.  Please keep praying for our precious Eliana Hope...for healing for her little brain and heart.  My God is a God of restoration...and I'm so thankful He chose me to be her momma. 

Love you all,


Kayla said...

Thank you for being open and honest and sharing. You teach and challenge and bless me daily! I can't imagine! I don't really know what to say except that I pray for you often each day.

Chrissy said...

Oh girl, I get it. My twins are starting to ask me those questions and it just breaks my heart. Especially after a tough day...hang on!

Heather Grass said...

I pray that kindergarten will feel like a safe place to her and trust that God has chosen the right teacher for Eliana. Best wishes

Lindy Keffer said...

Praying for you and Chris and Eliana right now. Hang in there! The love of God that you get to share with your girl is the most powerful force of transformation in the universe!

Samantha Sivils said...

I cannot imagine what you go through emotionally but know that God chose you to be Eliana's mom to help her become who He purposed her to be. I pray that He will give you strength as you and your husband mold her and love her.

cindy said...

Lindsey, you are an incredible mother. I've experienced the emotional toll those episode take on everyone in the family. I know how indescribable it is to live through this day by day but I am so blessed by your honesty and perseverance. You are an inspiration, I'm praying for healing for Eliana and you.

Elaine said...

Bless your precious hearts. Love you.

Ann said...

God custom made you for Eliana. You are an amazing mother.

Bekah said...

You and Chris are incredible parents to your precious and beautiful E. My heart hurts reading about her anxiety and your sickness. "Your Kingdom come." The love you all have for each other is such a beautiful representation of God's Kingdom.

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