Thursday, November 1, 2012

warning: this post is not pretty

I am about to have a full-fledged melt down, so I thought it was time for a post/vent.  We need prayer.  Really, we need miracles.  We need Jesus.  And can I just tell you that He feels a million miles away right now.  I know in my head that He is not, but I feel like we keep getting the crap kicked out of us (wanted to use a stronger word).  Not sure where to begin...but we will start with Eliana.  Oh my word, the girl is cute and tender-hearted and funny.  And I think that's why I'm so angry watching her slowly fall back into intense anxiety/rages/panic attacks/attachment issues/OCD....the list could go on and on.  Each day is getting worse than the last.  THIS IS NOT HER FAULT!!  I'm not sure who I'm mad at...her brain, the trauma she endured, the questions that will never be answered about neglect, her doctors (I know it's not their fault)...but I'm crazy mad tonight.  I want to yell at someone and have absolutely no one to yell at.  I've watched other kids have normal tantrums and actually been jealous.  Why can't Eliana just have normal tantrums??  These aren't her fault.  You can't punish her for things that are so out of her control.  But, it is so not fun having to defend yourself against getting hurt or her hurting herself.  It's actually the most heartbreaking thing I think I've ever dealt with.  I want to take her pain from her.  I want to endure the anxiety, so she can be a "normal" 5 year old little girl.  I'm not obsessed with Halloween, but I was so sad she could not dress up and walk around.  Just one shopping trip to Walgreens a few weeks ago set her over the edge.  She saw a scary mask (no offense to those that wore scary masks...but why do we need those) and CAVED.  She keeps crying about the mask's eyes and split down the face.  She now permanently has that in her little memory.  I had to stay away from every single store that carried any Halloween decorations.  Praise God we are moving on to Thanksgiving!  Today, I took Eliana to her psychiatrist appointment and it could not have come on a better day.  Sweet girl fell asleep in the car, so I picked her up and carried her inside.  She woke up in the psych office and started raging immediately.  Our psychiatrist is amazing and is so good with her.  But, 3 of us could not help her calm down.  Her doctor was getting food out of her purse because Eliana was screaming at the top of her lungs for food.  She was kicking me with every bit of force she could muster.  And, I say it was a good visit because the doctor got to witness what few people do.  Y'all get to see her sweet face in pictures (she is the prettiest little thing ever)...and I promise you would not believe it's the same girl.  Again, not her fault.  Oh, I'm so sad for her.  So many nights I just cry going to sleep.  I promise, I wanted to drive myself one block over to the adult Vanderbilt psychiatry center and check myself in after this appointment.  But, we made it.  There is good in with the bad.  She had fun jumping on the trampoline with some of her sweet neighbor friends. So thankful for that.  Y'all...I am just begging you to pray like you never have before for a child.  She needs it!!  We need it. 

All of this does not aid in my healing/treatments for my Lyme disease.  I am supposed to get a lot of healthy...try not to stress.  HA!!  It really does make me laugh.  I am exhausted beyond belief.  I am going to treatments that I pray are working because they are costing us way more than our mortgage each month.  People want me to be better.  Does that make sense??  It's not any one's fault, but I don't feel like I'm getting better at all.  I am trying my darnedest to trust that God is putting me exactly where He wants me and in the right doctor's hands.  But, if I think about it too hard or too long...I get scared.  Scared that I am always going to feel this way.  I feel like I'm a prisoner in my body (from the weight gain and pain)...I tried to explain to someone that when your brain has constant pressure on it, you literally just feel out of your body most of the day.  There are a few sweet Lyme friends that get it (thank you Lord for connections and facebook)'s the loneliest place.  You want to be around people and go places...but going out makes you feel a thousand times worse the next day.  It seems like a lose-lose.  I know that all of this seems very pessimistic...and I don't want to live that way!  I really try to stay strong for Eliana and for Chris (WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT CHRIS)...but there are nights like tonight where I just need to be honest and real.  Please pray for continued financial provision and for healing in my treatments.  Pray for Eliana's anxiety when I have to go to treatment (sometimes it's 6 hours in one day).  Tonight I am so thankful for neighbors and bible study girls (of which I can't even make it to usually) that have made us meals, watched Eliana and asked how they can help.  This journey would be next to impossible without y'all. 

Love you all,

P.S.  Chris is a rock star husband and dad...but y'all already know that!  He serves us endlessly...right now he is cleaning the house at 10 pm, so it will be less stressful for me tomorrow.  Love him so much.


Carol said...

I'm so sorry. Praying that God will do miracles in your lives.

Clare and Nathan said...

sometimes its ok say "shit." it happens to be my favorite word when there is no other way to "articulate" how i really feel! shhhh don't tell anyone! nothing wrong with crying out to the lord and letting it all out.
prayed for eliana to feel and experience the raging love of her creator, father, savior, redeemer. for all that hurt, fear and anxiety to be be rung out of her body, soul, mind and heart. that the places of pain and hurt are restored with belonging, security, acceptance and love. that she hears from the Holy Spirit and the eyes of her heart are unveiled to all that the lord has for her from this day forward. IN THE NAME OF JESUS, satin, GET THE BEHIND ELIANA AND GO BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG.
Clinging to victory.
All 3 of you are loved.

Amanda said...

WOW!! Lindsey, I love the three of you more than you will ever know. I was trying to put into words exactly what I wanted to say but Clare kind of summed it up...and she summed it up beautifully! I will continue praying for you guys but now I will press in even more than ever!!

cindy said...

so sorry, I know exactly what the rage/tantrums are and how horrendously painful they are to endure. And how emotionally and physically exhausting they are also. Please know I am praying for you all.

Isylla-Beth said...

Praying for your sweet family, God bless you.

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