the pendulum of pain

"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

--C.S. Lewis

I think I've kind of done a pitiful job of "attending" to my pain. I haven't written in a while because my fatigue has been so intense and my hands have been hurting so much, but I wanted to share an update about our precious Eliana (and me).  I feel like Eliana's struggles and anxiety have been on one side of a pendulum and my Lyme disease and fatigue have been on the other side.  We keep going back and forth.  When she is struggling, I try desperately to forget that I am sick.  When I'm really sick, I try to convince myself that she is better. The days where our pain overlaps are the days I feel like I can't take another step.  I've had a few of those over the last week. I think I have been living in survival mode for quite a while and I'm ready to be done with it.  


Lyme disease is really difficult to explain to people because you look normal.  You might even actually have a few "good" days.  But, then you will wake up and feel like:   
A. you have run a marathon and you didn't train   
B. every bone and muscle in your body hurts to the point you don't want to move  
C. you have pulled 5 all nighters in a row when actually you have slept 18 hours a day


In the last few weeks I can honestly say, D. ALL OF THE ABOVE!  Chris is such an amazing husband...he truly loves me so well through this.  But, for some reason, I feel like I have to explain that I really am truly sick to him and all of my neighbors because my house looks like a bomb has gone off, we have 12 loads of laundry that need to be done, I don't have the energy to even think about cooking/doing grocery shopping.  I need to be exercising and I literally can't.  I was riding my bike a few weeks ago and the day after I exercised, I would be on the couch the entire next day.  I guess I'm telling y'all this because I have another big Lyme appointment tomorrow morning.  I need a new plan...a new treatment.  I know I can't do IV antibiotics because I live with a wild child.  But, I need something to bring hope.  Please be praying so much for this appointment and for the strength for me to do whatever needs to be done.


So, on Monday, I was having a rough day feeling like D. ALL OF THE ABOVE...and out of the blue, Eliana had a really bad seizure.  I obviously have not done enough researching because I thought that she couldn't have seizures because she was now on medication.  WRONG!  It was pretty awful.  I saw her drifting as I drove up in our driveway, and immediately started yelling her name.  I grabbed her out of her car seat and she was pretty lifeless experiencing weird convulsions that I have never seen.  I tried pinching her and she would not respond.  I freaked.  Thank the Lord, my sweet neighbors all ran to my side and stood over Eliana trying to keep her alert and awake until we got the okay from the neurologist that she could sleep.  Chris got home, and she fell asleep immediately.  Seizures take it out of you.  She slept about an hour and a half and woke up having another really bad seizure...this one lasted even longer.  The neurologist told us to hang up and call 911.  Not a fun phone call to make.  The ambulance came and we headed to Vanderbilt ER again.  Once we got there, we were escorted in a little room.  She was really tired but kept complaining about her head hurting (she NEVER complains about pain) and then she would start throwing up.  We believe she was having a migraine headache after the seizures.  She threw up a lot.  And literally, after hours of being there, they upped her anti-seizure medication and told us to keep a close watch on her.  It wasn't quite the answers I wanted, but we have 3 appointments for her next week alone to dig deeper.  I haven't really slept well since Monday night...and my body is aching.  But, I am watching her like a hawk.  Ultimately, I know the Lord has her in His hands...way better than mine.  I just hate watching her struggle (much like my mama hates watching me struggle with Lyme).  The medicine has made her pretty lethargic...which is not like her.  But, I am praying her body adjusts.  Thanks for praying for her and her little body.  She is so precious in every way!!  

We love you all so much,
Lindsey


P.S.  A couple of weeks ago, I started a fundraiser page to help with some of our medical costs, if you want to help us out, go to:  www.giveforward.com/thewheelerfamily.  Thank you SO MUCH to everyone that has already given...it really has gotten me through this week!!