one year ago

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me

(Meredith Andrews- Not for a Moment) http://www.meredithandrews.com

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So, it is almost 3 in the morning and I can't sleep.  This time last year, we would have still been doing everything we could to calm our sweet girl and get her to sleep.  It still surprises me that we made it through the nights of not going to sleep until 5 or 6 a.m. regularly.  My mind has been racing tonight about all that has happened in one year.  This weekend last year was when I went to Little Rock by myself to spend time with my family (they ran the 10K in Little Rock for my Lyme disease)...and I laid in bed sobbing.  I cried pretty much that entire weekend.  I remember walking in and seeing mom and Leah and just losing it...then repeated that when I saw Lauren.  Weeks and weeks of no sleep will do that to a person.  I cried for what Chris and I were going though with Eliana.  I cried over not being able to "fix" my sweet girl.  I cried because I had to be so strong at home.  I cried because "why in the world would I have lyme disease" on top of everything else.  I cried because my house was a complete disaster.  I just longed for some sense of normalcy and we were nowhere near that.  My family just listened and cried and honestly, I have a terrible memory and don't remember everything.  They told me later that they were all worried I was headed for a complete nervous breakdown.  I think I was.  And that's when God showed up in a miraculous way.  It didn't feel miraculous at the time.  I'm pretty sure I shouted "really God" or "you've got to be kidding me"?!!!  I got the call from Eliana's school in Little Rock that Eliana was being taken by an ambulance to the hospital having multiple seizures.  My baby was having seizures and I was 6 hours away.  I don't remember a lot of the drive to the hospital, but I made it before she woke up.  I walked in and saw her tiny body covered in wires and attached to machines.  We spent that week telling and re-telling our story.  It was then that the doctors finally understood what we were saying about her mania and no sleep.  They were shocked that we had lived this for so long...that she could fight sleep they way she did.  They were surprised by her strength during rages and her terror of the night.  They finally listened to us...we had been telling doctors for a long time and they got to witness it.  Even now, I just sigh remembering the relief of someone telling us "we don't know how you've been doing this every night."  A few powerful medicines later and Eliana was beginning to sleep through the night.  Miracle.  Thank you Jesus.  This was the beginning of her healing journey...I really believe it.

It's been one year.  One year of crying out to God on Eliana's behalf...praying for more miracles, for healing of the trauma she obviously experienced as a baby.  There are moments where I forget all that He has done...but tonight I know without a shadow of a doubt that He has NEVER forsaken us.  He has been with us every single step of this journey and He won't leave us.  He loves Eliana way more than we ever could.  He rescued her from who even knows (and I'm not sure I want to know)...and made her a Wheeler.  She is ours in every way...and we love everything about her.  We will continue to fight for her...to beg doctors to understand her...to make sure she feels safe and loved.  In one year, we've come a long way and I don't want to forget that.  We have a long way to go, but I'm praising God tonight that He is with us.  Thank you friends for loving us, for giving to us, and for praying for us.  We still need it desperately. It's been a really rough few weeks, but I feel hope tonight just thanking God for this last year.  Love you so much.

Lindsey