Sunday, February 17, 2013

our baby girl


There are so many things I want to say but don't even know where to start.  I have written and erased this blog post quite a few times over the last week.  Our baby girl is struggling.  She is five years old...can talk and reason...and her fears seem to multiply daily.  Her OCD symptoms get worse every day (that is an entirely different blog post). She is more aware of her surroundings which has led her to feel more anxious.  She is hilarious and precious and loving...and plagued with anxiety.  It's not anxiety that you or I feel...it's deep.  It's intense.  It's indescribable.  She is always on guard.  We are walking on eggshells.  Chris and I feel like we have done everything on this side of heaven to make her feel safe (and will not give up).  We have committed to it just being the three of us (unless God really surprises us), so that she will get everything humanly possible.  We want to be able to focus on her and love her well through her struggles.  We are willing to spend whatever it takes, bring on whatever therapist she needs, and let her wear pajamas as much as she wants.  We have been meeting with an incredible in-home therapist for 2 hours a week.  She has offered so much insight because she has an adopted son that has gone through a very similar journey.

I hate typing this because I don't want it to be true.  But, something is not right in her little brain right now.  She has been struggling to sleep again.  Every night, she talks about how scared she is to fall asleep.  And, she is.  Selfishly, this is one of the most difficult parts for Chris and me.  It's exhausting to say the least.  She has been sleeping in a pack n' play for babies for the last week (part of her OCD)...and that is not working out.  Her sleep is disturbed.  She is staying up late and waking up early.  The part that is the most heart-breaking is the manic episodes.  They can last for hours and are physically exhausting for all of us.  We have to make sure she isn't going to hurt herself or us...but our baby girl is STRONG.  Chris can barely hold her safely...and I can't at all.  We just whisper truths to her the best we know how..."you are safe"...."we aren't going to leave you"..."we are protecting you"..."Jesus loves you".  It takes an incredible amount of patience and perseverance to remain calm through these episodes because they are loud, scary, and out-of-control.  Chris and I are a team.  We are able to watch and figure out how the other person is doing...when one of us is weak, the other is strong.  And a lot of times, once she is asleep...we cry or pray or high-five...and prepare ourselves for another day.  The picture above was taken the other night after an hour and a half episode.  She finally gave in and fell asleep in my arms to me rocking her.  Sweet girl!!  I love her more and more each day.  We both do.  We can't imagine our lives without her or what we did before her.  We want to see her FREE of this pain.

We really would love your prayers.  We are trying to get into a new psychiatrist in Nashville that is supposed to be awesome!  We are in desperate need of a change.  Please pray that he will take us on and that we could get in this week.  I know that we are going to be changing up some of her medications, which is a scary thing for someone as tiny and young as Eliana.  Pray for her little body to adjust and for us to find the perfect combination of drugs to help calm her little mind.  Not surprising to us, this new doctor doesn't take insurance...neither does my Lyme detox...or her therapist.  So, we are praying for more financial provision.  Please pray for us as we navigate through all of the expenses for our healing.  We love y'all so much and are so thankful for a community of people that love us and pray for us.  I've said it before and I'll probably say it again...we could not do this without you.

Much love,
Lindsey

P.S.  We are still going strong with our "real food" lifestyle!!  Today was our 45th day of no gluten, no sugar, no dairy and quite a few other things.  I have had a few really good days over the last few weeks...so that is a huge praise.  :)

11 comments:

Carol said...

Will be and am praying.

RachB said...

This has me weeping for you guys tonight. I feel out of breath for y'all... Just reading this. Praying major prayers

Debbie said...

Praying continually will pray more faithfully believing you will get answers!!!!

Bran said...

We love your precious family and are boldly praying freedom for Eliana and peace over you all! Praying that even when you and Chris don't feel strong enough that God will be your strength. You are precious sweetie and a strong example of Gods love in this broken world.

Kristin Vollmar said...

Have you ever heard of Essential Oils? I would love to try and help. There are natural choices for this! There is a blend called peace and calming, it has helped me so much! I know God provides, and hopefully, this will help you!

monkeymommy said...

Praying for you, Chris and your sweet girl. - Mandy

Shanalea Atchison said...

Lindsey, I know you don't know me, but Chris and I were friends in high school and OBU. I just want you to know that I am praying for healing for both you and E. I can not read your blogs without crying in sympathy and crying out to God on your behalf. I read a scripture to a group of leaders tonight, but feel it is appropriate for you guys as well. "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all our comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given to us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation. 2 Corinthian 3-6
I realize that it is hard and there are days that it is hard to see beyond what is in front of us, but I pray and hope beyond all hope that when you look back at this time you will be amazed by the amount of comfort you received in the midst of the pain. Again, I'm praying and believing for a complete healing in both of your bodies.

Bekah said...

Oh sweet Jesus, hold this family close. Bring freedom and healing for precious E. Your Kingdom come, Father. God, bring rest and peace over this house. They wait on you alone for strength and joy and hope for each new day.

Lindsey, I am so thankful you have had some good days. Praying for many, many more to come.

Julie said...

Oh my, I will be thinking of you. I know what you are going through. I took custody of a girl when she was 11 yrs old who was bi-polar and manic. Those were the roughest years of our lives. She refused to take any meds. She is now 18, I can almost say that she either "outgrew" it or the years of not giving up on her and showing her that we would not, somehow helped her through it. She still shows very mild signs of it but she is nothing like she was when she first came to live with us. Your Lindsey sounds a lot like ours, only younger. You will get through it.

Kara M said...

Praying for FREEDOM for your daughter!

Kim said...

Praying for your family.

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