our baby girl

There are so many things I want to say but don't even know where to start.  I have written and erased this blog post quite a few times over the last week.  Our baby girl is struggling.  She is five years old...can talk and reason...and her fears seem to multiply daily.  Her OCD symptoms get worse every day (that is an entirely different blog post). She is more aware of her surroundings which has led her to feel more anxious.  She is hilarious and precious and loving...and plagued with anxiety.  It's not anxiety that you or I feel...it's deep.  It's intense.  It's indescribable.  She is always on guard.  We are walking on eggshells.  Chris and I feel like we have done everything on this side of heaven to make her feel safe (and will not give up).  We have committed to it just being the three of us (unless God really surprises us), so that she will get everything humanly possible.  We want to be able to focus on her and love her well through her struggles.  We are willing to spend whatever it takes, bring on whatever therapist she needs, and let her wear pajamas as much as she wants.  We have been meeting with an incredible in-home therapist for 2 hours a week.  She has offered so much insight because she has an adopted son that has gone through a very similar journey.

I hate typing this because I don't want it to be true.  But, something is not right in her little brain right now.  She has been struggling to sleep again.  Every night, she talks about how scared she is to fall asleep.  And, she is.  Selfishly, this is one of the most difficult parts for Chris and me.  It's exhausting to say the least.  She has been sleeping in a pack n' play for babies for the last week (part of her OCD)...and that is not working out.  Her sleep is disturbed.  She is staying up late and waking up early.  The part that is the most heart-breaking is the manic episodes.  They can last for hours and are physically exhausting for all of us.  We have to make sure she isn't going to hurt herself or us...but our baby girl is STRONG.  Chris can barely hold her safely...and I can't at all.  We just whisper truths to her the best we know how..."you are safe"...."we aren't going to leave you"..."we are protecting you"..."Jesus loves you".  It takes an incredible amount of patience and perseverance to remain calm through these episodes because they are loud, scary, and out-of-control.  Chris and I are a team.  We are able to watch and figure out how the other person is doing...when one of us is weak, the other is strong.  And a lot of times, once she is asleep...we cry or pray or high-five...and prepare ourselves for another day.  The picture above was taken the other night after an hour and a half episode.  She finally gave in and fell asleep in my arms to me rocking her.  Sweet girl!!  I love her more and more each day.  We both do.  We can't imagine our lives without her or what we did before her.  We want to see her FREE of this pain.

We really would love your prayers.  We are trying to get into a new psychiatrist in Nashville that is supposed to be awesome!  We are in desperate need of a change.  Please pray that he will take us on and that we could get in this week.  I know that we are going to be changing up some of her medications, which is a scary thing for someone as tiny and young as Eliana.  Pray for her little body to adjust and for us to find the perfect combination of drugs to help calm her little mind.  Not surprising to us, this new doctor doesn't take insurance...neither does my Lyme detox...or her therapist.  So, we are praying for more financial provision.  Please pray for us as we navigate through all of the expenses for our healing.  We love y'all so much and are so thankful for a community of people that love us and pray for us.  I've said it before and I'll probably say it again...we could not do this without you.

Much love,
Lindsey

P.S.  We are still going strong with our "real food" lifestyle!!  Today was our 45th day of no gluten, no sugar, no dairy and quite a few other things.  I have had a few really good days over the last few weeks...so that is a huge praise.  :)