happy nine years

It is so hard to believe that I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend 9 years ago today!!  I can honestly say that I love him more every single day.  I do.  He has taken every vow so seriously...and worked to keep our marriage pure and holy...and fun.  I know just how rare that is today.  We had no idea all that was going to be thrown our way...but I'm so thankful I've been able to battle life out with my best friend.  We have made it through countless nights of no sleep...of things that only the two of us will ever understand or know...and we have come out stronger because of it.  We have made plenty of mistakes, but he keeps me laughing (and rolling my eyes) every single day.  I told my mom today that he is one in a million.  He is.  He is strong and courageous.  He leads us well.  He works so hard to provide for our family, but doesn't bring work home with him.  He plays hard and loves hard.  He is the best daddy in the world to a little girl that has no idea how blessed she is...one day soon she will know and get it.  He is passionate about everything he does whether it's changing our entire food lifestyle to fishing lures...he is going to do it all out.  I love how the little things excite him and he is still grateful for every gift that is given to him.  I love how he prays with me EVERY single night.  He prays for things and people who are important to me...and believes in healing for Eliana and me.  He has never doubted me or questioned me.  He doesn't complain.  He brings me water every single night (I love this).  I look at him some days and wonder how he is still standing...how he has not had a full-blown emotional/physical melt down because E and I are not easy.  He keeps pressing forward believing God for good things...which in return, keeps me from losing hope.  He is a good man.  He is my best friend...I would rather be with him than anyone else in the world.  Happy 9th anniversary!  I love you.

Lindsey

our baby girl

There are so many things I want to say but don't even know where to start.  I have written and erased this blog post quite a few times over the last week.  Our baby girl is struggling.  She is five years old...can talk and reason...and her fears seem to multiply daily.  Her OCD symptoms get worse every day (that is an entirely different blog post). She is more aware of her surroundings which has led her to feel more anxious.  She is hilarious and precious and loving...and plagued with anxiety.  It's not anxiety that you or I feel...it's deep.  It's intense.  It's indescribable.  She is always on guard.  We are walking on eggshells.  Chris and I feel like we have done everything on this side of heaven to make her feel safe (and will not give up).  We have committed to it just being the three of us (unless God really surprises us), so that she will get everything humanly possible.  We want to be able to focus on her and love her well through her struggles.  We are willing to spend whatever it takes, bring on whatever therapist she needs, and let her wear pajamas as much as she wants.  We have been meeting with an incredible in-home therapist for 2 hours a week.  She has offered so much insight because she has an adopted son that has gone through a very similar journey.

I hate typing this because I don't want it to be true.  But, something is not right in her little brain right now.  She has been struggling to sleep again.  Every night, she talks about how scared she is to fall asleep.  And, she is.  Selfishly, this is one of the most difficult parts for Chris and me.  It's exhausting to say the least.  She has been sleeping in a pack n' play for babies for the last week (part of her OCD)...and that is not working out.  Her sleep is disturbed.  She is staying up late and waking up early.  The part that is the most heart-breaking is the manic episodes.  They can last for hours and are physically exhausting for all of us.  We have to make sure she isn't going to hurt herself or us...but our baby girl is STRONG.  Chris can barely hold her safely...and I can't at all.  We just whisper truths to her the best we know how..."you are safe"...."we aren't going to leave you"..."we are protecting you"..."Jesus loves you".  It takes an incredible amount of patience and perseverance to remain calm through these episodes because they are loud, scary, and out-of-control.  Chris and I are a team.  We are able to watch and figure out how the other person is doing...when one of us is weak, the other is strong.  And a lot of times, once she is asleep...we cry or pray or high-five...and prepare ourselves for another day.  The picture above was taken the other night after an hour and a half episode.  She finally gave in and fell asleep in my arms to me rocking her.  Sweet girl!!  I love her more and more each day.  We both do.  We can't imagine our lives without her or what we did before her.  We want to see her FREE of this pain.

We really would love your prayers.  We are trying to get into a new psychiatrist in Nashville that is supposed to be awesome!  We are in desperate need of a change.  Please pray that he will take us on and that we could get in this week.  I know that we are going to be changing up some of her medications, which is a scary thing for someone as tiny and young as Eliana.  Pray for her little body to adjust and for us to find the perfect combination of drugs to help calm her little mind.  Not surprising to us, this new doctor doesn't take insurance...neither does my Lyme detox...or her therapist.  So, we are praying for more financial provision.  Please pray for us as we navigate through all of the expenses for our healing.  We love y'all so much and are so thankful for a community of people that love us and pray for us.  I've said it before and I'll probably say it again...we could not do this without you.

Much love,
Lindsey

P.S.  We are still going strong with our "real food" lifestyle!!  Today was our 45th day of no gluten, no sugar, no dairy and quite a few other things.  I have had a few really good days over the last few weeks...so that is a huge praise.  :)