Tuesday, January 1, 2013

so long 2012

I have been in bed for the last 40 hours out of 48 hours (maybe even more).  No lie.  This is not exactly how I wanted to ring in 2013.  I got out of bed yesterday because Chris was amazing and made a NYE dinner for Eliana and me.  I ate the dinner and went straight back to sleep.  At midnight, we prayed together and I watched more Downton Abbey (I've probably watched all of the seasons 45 times each).  Most of the time I'm sleeping...the other moments I'm begging God for relief and energy.  I'm thankful to hear Eliana's laughs in the other room.  Chris has done so many fun things with her over the Christmas break.  Tonight, I walked upstairs to help install one of her Christmas presents and decided to clean her room.  Now, I'm back in bed...in pain...exhausted...and googling everything I can on this horrific disease I have.

Googling "Lyme disease treatments" is probably the most discouraging, confusing thing I will ever do.  Unless you have a PhD in biochemistry, you will click around the computer feeling helpless and hopeless.  I've gone to 2 LLMD's (Lyme literate doctors) and 1 detoxification specialist and I can't stop crying.  We've been so focused on Eliana for the last 2 months, that I've just pushed my symptoms/feelings to the back burner. Well, it's officially 2013 and I feel so sad tonight.  We've spent thousands of dollars...thousands (again, I have to tell you thank you for being hope to us in this).  God is so gracious and gave Chris Girls of Grace conferences to do and that helps as well.  But, it is very discouraging to spend that much money and still feel the same...the exact same.  My head goes through a thousand "what ifs" or "does this cause this" or "would I be better if we didn't have so much stress."  The bottom line is that I will never know the answer to these things.  Because I'm in bed so much of the time, my metabolism is so out of whack...and my weight continues to sky rocket.  Some people with Lyme lose tons of weight and some gain tons of weight.  I remember looking at my doctor and jokingly saying "why can't I be sick and skinny."  I obviously know there is so much more to life than this.  It's just another area that leaves me feeling sad and lonely. 

I guess because it's the beginning of the new year, I just feel desperate for a plan.  No, I do not want to have any resolutions (except to maybe get out of bed each day).  I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me what to do.  I want them to take me by the hand, lead me to someone who can help and then cheer me on in my healing process (and for it to be covered by insurance).  The unfortunate part of this is that there aren't a lot of answers to help people like me.  There is no right way or wrong way.  It's a ton of trial and error.  I have multiple co-infections and actually have tested for a few other infections not related to Lyme.  I ask God for the next right step...and I know He gives it to me.  But, I'm frustrated that none of my next right steps are adding up to healing.  Oh yikes, maybe this is really where God wants me to be?!!  I just had that flash in my foggy, tired brain.  I look normal on the outside.  But, I feel like I am barely surviving on the inside.  I try to put on a smile and a brave face, but I'm just so tired and weak tonight.  I need prayers friends.  Please be praying for healing for me.  It takes a lot of strength, patience and energy to be a good momma to Eliana...and by the end of the day, I am zapped.  I long for the day when I feel like "me" again.  Lord, please heal me.  Please.

Love you all,

PS.  I hope the Lord was speaking to me through that fortune cookie! :)  I know He was through the rainbow.


Kara M said...

I'm praying! I have a friend struggling with the same thing and, when she tells me what is going on, it is just hard to believe! Like you said, she looks fine on the outside, but I know she is hurting deeply!!

Kristin's Chronicles said...

I found your blog from my sister's blog, and I just wanted you to know that I pray for you continuously....for strength and endurance, but also boldly for healing. I have a chronic illness that is very discouraging, but it does not hold a candle to what you go through on a daily basis. Reading your blog has encouraged me and not made me feel as alone because it is just hard for others to understand. Anyhow, you are being lifted up in prayer, and I am so thankful for a mighty God that is bigger than this....even when it seems impossible!!

natalie said...

Though u don't realize probably, but though ur trials are in a way similar and in a way far different. But I sought ur blog tonight feeling utterly alone, and a little hopeless. Ur honesty helps me more than u know. Most blogs or face book shows only the good. And I, who wrestle with comparison think God why so many trials and such pain. I also struggle with physicalvpsin which no one can understand fully until they have been there. Some day I would love to bust with you. I too am terrified of sleep bec of nightmares. Anyways, so thankfuk fir u and somehow feeling a little less alone. I admire u for when my physical pain would not re lent at all. I became angry at God thinkinhe could just say the word and I would have releif. Thank u for an amazing example to a girl in Texas awake and afraid past midnight...

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