one step forward and two steps back

I thought I would start off with a picture of the "real" tenderhearted, hilarious Eliana.  She is so giving, so compassionate.  She cries watching things that are sad and rejoices when things are great for someone.  She loves it when the three of us are doing fun things together.  Tonight we ate at the coffee table (because the kitchen table has 5 loads of laundry on it) and said, "this is so much fun."  She is constantly cracking jokes and loves nothing more than staying at home all day, every day.  Her seizures seem to be under control with her medication.  That is a HUGE blessing!!  We are just praying that it will continue that way.  Nothing was worse at her MRI...her brain looks okay. 

So, the problem is that we are watching this sweet child of ours go from a fun, lively 5 year old to an angry, raging child in a split second more and more often lately.  I feel like I need to say this every time I post, so I will keep it up. This is not her fault.  This precious child went through something very traumatic.  She obviously doesn't remember details, but her subconscious does.  She is terrified of the night (we feel CERTAIN her trauma happened at night).  The problem is that she is incredibly strong and is getting older with each day.  Yesterday, I ended up in a situation alone with E when an uncontrollable rage started.  It was scary.  It is devastating watching your child suffer and scream and cry and you can't do anything but pray and let her wear herself out.  There are days I feel like I'm living in a prison (but with a cute child right next to me).  She doesn't want to leave anymore...running errands is few and far between.  She likes the safety of her house, her dog, and her parents.  Chris and I estimated the other night that we spend a total of 20-25 hours a week just actively trying to get Eliana to sleep (it used to be unbelievably more).  We have to fight feeling jealous of parents that can read their child a book, pray and say goodnight.  There are nights where we feel patient and peaceful and other nights we would give anything to have time for ourselves.  Please join us in praying for her sweet spirit...that God would comfort her in a way that no medication or therapy every could (even though we are doing those things).  We are begging God for HEALING!!  And while you're at it, please keep praying for me. Love you all so much.  I can't thank you enough for your support.

Psalms 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Love,

Lindsey

P.S.  Thank you so much for those of you that have purchased one of our pallet wood Christmas trees to help with my Lyme debt.  A few have asked how they can still give to us...thanks for caring!!  I put a paypal donation button on the right of our blog if you want to help.