Tuesday, February 11, 2014

IF: My Bed

It's been a while friends.  My little family and I have walked through some incredible highs and lows since my last post...which was about forever ago.  I think (without knowing it), I've tried to hold a lot of junk in over the last few months.  I can't pinpoint it.  Maybe it's because I fear that people are just plain sick of me being sick. I'm afraid I would be sick of me.  It's hard to tell and re-tell my story and the ending still be the same.  "Hi, I'm Lindsey.  I still feel awful.  I still beg God for healing every single day.  I'm afraid I'm stuck with this dang disease for the rest of my days."  I'm asking God for the NEXT RIGHT STEP.  It's no fun to share that you are on your 5th doctor to try and figure out how to fix the endless issues going on in your body.  It's exhausting to just put one foot in front of the other.  But, ya'll...I have (by God's grace) put one foot in front of the other.  And guess what, He has given me another day to breathe and live.  Each day is a gift.  Let me be honest.  That is a tough thing to say sometimes.  But, I keep repeating it (even out loud to myself sometimes like a crazy person) over and over begging God for me to believe.  To believe He is good and loves me and hasn't abandoned me.  And HE NEVER WILL. 

This past weekend thousands of girls from all over the world met in Austin, Texas for the IF:Gathering, dreamed and created by one of my friends Jennie Allen (my bff's sister).  IT WAS AMAZING!  There were two groups.  IF:Gathering in Austin and IF:Local (groups all around the country meeting together watching the live event).  Because of the fact I barely leave my house, I didn't fit into either one of these groups. So, I laughed (to myself again) that I was having IF: My Bed.  And, I did.  And God met me in my room on my bed.  I didn't realize how much I needed to dream again.  To believe that God is not through with me yet.  I sang...I took notes...I laughed...I cried...and I dreamed.  I found myself asking two different questions to God.  The first was even if I still feel the exact same way the rest of my life, will I jump back in this race?!  Will I do whatever it takes to LOVE Jesus and LOVE others?  The next thing was less of a question and more of a "RESCUE ME Jesus" in a way I haven't cried out before.  It was emotionally cleansing for me to cry and grieve over the years I've felt held captive by this disease and Eliana's trauma.  I have cried and prayed and begged God for MORE. 

One thing I can do from bed is pray...and that was the entire reason I started this blog in the first place.  Madrugada means "after midnight" because I never used to sleep because of E's trauma.  Then, I didn't sleep because of my Lyme.  And instead of being angry and bitter over my sleepless nights, I felt like I needed to pray for y'all.  I did and I won't quit.  Since the IF: My Bed conference, I have felt such a HEAVY burden to pray for the other women around the country stuck in their beds...left alone in their hospital rooms...women devastated by loss...families hanging on for dear life with an adopted child that rages and has mood disorders and won't be okay if you leave them...women struggling with deep, dark depression that feel like the cloud will never lift.  I wanted ya'll to know tonight that you aren't alone.  God loves you...HE SEES YOU!  That's what I keep hearing Him whisper to me in my pain and sleepless nights.  He is proud of you.  Don't give up! 

Our tears matter to God.  I love that.  "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."  Psalm 56:8 

Love you,

P.S.  Keep the prayer requests coming!  And check out IF:Gathering...you can buy the digital downloads to hear all of the incredible speakers and stories.  Life changing!!


Becky Lloyd founder of Signs for Hope, Inc. said...

Lindsey, your perseverance in the midst of all God is allowing in your precious family's lives is HUGE! There are many God-truths that I quote to myself and to others and two of them come to mind this morning as I read your post. The first is "God never wastes anything!" Sometimes I feel very strong when I saw these words to others and in my own mind and sometimes these words are said/thought in great hope this is/will be true. The other is "God gives back what the locusts have eaten!" I am not sure if I am taking this God-truth out of context but it certainly became true for Job when God allowed Satan to take almost everything except Job's life from him and he still would not curse God for doing so. God gave him back far more than he had before. But I also realize this new Job was a different Job from before and I feel his zeal for the Lord was even greater than before. Only God knows how that impacted his newly born children, his wife and his friends and every person Job met. I can't begin to imagine the full impact all that would have. Anyway, you are an inspiration to me for your perseverance to allow God to do with you as He pleases. Yes, I know this is not done perfectly, if it were you could not identify with anyone else's imperfectness in dealing with what God has allowed them to live with. Knowing the full impact, of your perseverance, of this on your own life, your husbands life, your sweet E's life, your friends' lives, and everyone you meet will not be revealed here.

When will He "give back what the locusts have eaten?" When will He bless/restore you, E, and your family? I have no idea, but He does! Until then, I will thank him for you and ask Him to give you all you need for "the next step"!

Cathy Troyer said...

Love you sweet friend and am so thankful for the journey with you. I continue to pray...

Unknown said...

I am so incredibly proud of you Lindsey! You are such a beautiful example of what it looks like to TRUST GOD despite the circumstances! I am learning what Grace looks like from you! Rather than giving in to despair you continue to Hope in the LORD! I love you so much!

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