thankful for this today

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations."

Deuteronomy 7:9

by the grace of God

Well I'm not even sure where to begin...

Lately when folks ask me how it's going I've taken to saying, "We're about the same."  It's so much easier than saying: Lindsey is still super sick and feels basically nasty every day. Her head is pounding. Her body is aching. She's exhausted. She's spent. Eliana is revving....her little engine is on red and headed for overdrive. Eliana is anxious and afraid and often right on the edge of raging at the drop of a hat. I'm stressed and I feel overwhelmed. To summarize I say we're about the same.

I've noticed how folks so want there to be a bow on top of our story right now.  People want to hear the silver lining, the trajectory, the path, the plan, the steps. As I explain that things really aren't changing I watch the wheels turn in their minds as they search for a solution to offer. It's usually something like, "have you tried ____ ." As I stammer through an explanation of why we haven't (or how we have) tried their suggestion I usually feel caught and on the defense - wanting to prove that we're doing all we can. I know that these are well meaning, sincere, loving friends who are honestly asking us how we're doing but as they search for ways to fix us I feel alone. It sounds so bizarre, but I don't want to be fixed. I do want healing and freedom and life for both of my girls but somehow that feels all together different than getting fixed.  The most refreshing response to our situation is when folks shake their heads and say, "I don't know how you do it."  That I love. Then I get to say, "by the Grace of God."

It is the Grace of God that allows us to move forward each long night and to embrace each new day. I've never been more convinced that this life is hard and fragile and brief. I know that we're not promised comfort.  In all of this we so want to glorify God. We so want to keep perspective. We so want to allow His light to shine through us.

Confession time - at some point in each day I really battle comparison. I know, I know, "Comparison is the Thief of Joy." That being said, I keep finding myself looking at other individuals or families who on the surface appear to have everything rolling and if I'm honest I'm jealous. At the same time when I hear folks complaining about their scenarios I compare and think, "Are you for real...that's what you're worried about!" That sounds so ugly to admit...because it is. That's my brokenness spilling out. That's the part that God is working to redeem in me through all this pain.

I listened to a sermon today by Andy Stanley and he referred to "Hope Migration" as a way to describe how our focus often shifts from Jesus to the temporal things of this world. I keep finding myself putting my Hope or at least my focus on petty things to distract myself from all of this stress and hard stuff. Oh how I want to grow in this season and be the man who keeps his eyes fixed on Jesus despite the ruggedness of the day.

I know/ believe that our lives will not always be this hard - I remind Lindsey of it all the time. Right now these are the cards we've been dealt...so that through it God will be Glorified. To all who pray - thank you please don't stop. We're counting on you to be the ones to hold our arms up in this battle. To those who have given money or purchased a Pallet Wood Christmas Tree - THANK YOU. God has literally used you to be his conduit of provision. Thank you for standing with us. Your words of encouragement are often the flicker of the flame that we need to keep us moving forward. 

We're gonna make it.
Grace and Peace,

Chris Wheeler
Husband to Lindsey, Dad to Eliana

one step forward and two steps back

I thought I would start off with a picture of the "real" tenderhearted, hilarious Eliana.  She is so giving, so compassionate.  She cries watching things that are sad and rejoices when things are great for someone.  She loves it when the three of us are doing fun things together.  Tonight we ate at the coffee table (because the kitchen table has 5 loads of laundry on it) and said, "this is so much fun."  She is constantly cracking jokes and loves nothing more than staying at home all day, every day.  Her seizures seem to be under control with her medication.  That is a HUGE blessing!!  We are just praying that it will continue that way.  Nothing was worse at her MRI...her brain looks okay. 

So, the problem is that we are watching this sweet child of ours go from a fun, lively 5 year old to an angry, raging child in a split second more and more often lately.  I feel like I need to say this every time I post, so I will keep it up. This is not her fault.  This precious child went through something very traumatic.  She obviously doesn't remember details, but her subconscious does.  She is terrified of the night (we feel CERTAIN her trauma happened at night).  The problem is that she is incredibly strong and is getting older with each day.  Yesterday, I ended up in a situation alone with E when an uncontrollable rage started.  It was scary.  It is devastating watching your child suffer and scream and cry and you can't do anything but pray and let her wear herself out.  There are days I feel like I'm living in a prison (but with a cute child right next to me).  She doesn't want to leave anymore...running errands is few and far between.  She likes the safety of her house, her dog, and her parents.  Chris and I estimated the other night that we spend a total of 20-25 hours a week just actively trying to get Eliana to sleep (it used to be unbelievably more).  We have to fight feeling jealous of parents that can read their child a book, pray and say goodnight.  There are nights where we feel patient and peaceful and other nights we would give anything to have time for ourselves.  Please join us in praying for her sweet spirit...that God would comfort her in a way that no medication or therapy every could (even though we are doing those things).  We are begging God for HEALING!!  And while you're at it, please keep praying for me. Love you all so much.  I can't thank you enough for your support.

Psalms 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Love,

Lindsey

P.S.  Thank you so much for those of you that have purchased one of our pallet wood Christmas trees to help with my Lyme debt.  A few have asked how they can still give to us...thanks for caring!!  I put a paypal donation button on the right of our blog if you want to help. 

pallet wood christmas trees

Here are the trees that my wonderful hubby has created from old pallet wood!!  We are going to have all different sizes (any height can be made)...and the proceeds will help chip away at my lyme medical debt.  If you are interested in getting one of Chris's creations, send me an e-mail (lindseyewheeler@gmail.com)...$25 per tree.  We will have some ready to go this Wednesday!  Thanks for helping us out!!  We love y'all.

Lindsey

"We're Gonna Make It" - Thank You Anonymous

Many of you may know this, but the phrase that Lindsey and I often repeat to one another is "We're Gonna Make It."  When one of us seems to have lost hope the other will repeat this little refrain as a lighthearted reminder of our ultimate hope.  On days when it's unusually dark we ask one another "Are We Gonna Make It?" to which the reply is, YES - We're Gonna Make It. All that to say that TODAY this card came in the mail from an anonymous prayer warrior with "You Can Make It" on the cover...this is not random.

Inside this card was a letter - a full page typed letter of prayer and encouragement from a total stranger. She has been reading this blog for quite some time now - aching with our heart aches, crying for us, and interceding on our behalf. In her letter she states that when she read my post about Cash, Coffee and Sausage she wanted to "get in on the fun" so she sent $250 in cash IN THE MAIL! I'm including a picture so you know I'm not just making this up!

Praise GOD! Glory to God! I'm so touched by this woman who obeyed the impulse God put on her heart and literally mailed us cash. Perhaps even more moving to me is that people we don't know are reading our story and praying for us - getting our back and standing with us. We so need that. We so need to not be alone in this. Today was a reminder that we are not. I'm once again stunned. God is once again clearly declaring - I GOT YOU.

We needed this especially today. Why today? Because today we've felt worried and terrified.
Today Eliana had more seizures. She hasn't had seizures for many months but this morning they occurred on and off for about 15 minutes. We both just feel sick about it.

Also the last three nights Eliana has been waking up in the middle of the night with restless legs that she says "itch". She literally writhes in bed trying to get comfortable. Two of the three nights she's been unable to go back to sleep - which means her day has been starting around 3:00 or 4:00AM.

On Friday we have Eliana's follow up MRI - I'm glad we have it already on the calender for this week. PLEASE PRAY for God's mercy over that whole process. Pray that they find nothing new or abnormal in her precious little brain.

Clearly God is mysteriously at work in all of our lives...and has been making Himself more and more obvious in the Wheeler home lately.

To the anonymous woman - thank you. Thank you for writing. Thank you for reading our blog. Thank you for taking action and sending us cash. We needed that. Thank you most for praying over us. Thank you for hoping for us. Thank you for your tears. Thank you for allowing God to use you. Thank you for your love. By the way I so respect you for not telling us who you are - that's so cool. You stated in your letter that you want God to get the glory - so here goes...

Thank you God for being YOU. Thank you God for showing up right when we need you. Thank you for taking such intimate care of our little lives. Thank you that you know our deepest needs and meet them in such beautiful ways. Thank you for leading this woman to represent you today! Thank you that you've got us and the "whole world in your hands."

I leave you all with the verse that the woman included in her letter of hope. They are the right words - so fitting for us today...

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” -Deuteronomy 31:8


Grace and Peace
- Chris 

PS Eliana is still as precious and funny as ever...lately she's been walking into her school using her lady bug umbrella as a cane, wearing rain boots to her knees with her sequined purse slung cross body style. Ridiculous.

How HOPE came through Cash Coffee and Sausage

This post is about seeing more clearly....so this pic of Eliana wearing my glasses seemed fitting.

Today God showed up. Yes - He's always here - I know that and I believe that. But today was huge for me. As many of you know, there are days and especially nights that our world feels pretty bleak. There are moments when Lindsey and I both feel like we're just about to snap...like we just literally can't take it any more.  Last night was especially rough and it felt like Hope was just about gone. Today God sent us message after message to declare - "I'm still here and I've got this." I'm writing to give God Glory tonight...

Today was one of those days where I had to take the afternoon off from work in order to allow Lindsey to rest. Lately Eliana has been exceptionally anxious and in the red as we say.  It's typically better if we can get Eliana out of the house. Often a change in location can help to reset her. So Eliana and I went to my current favorite store on earth, Home Depot. In Home Depot she was basically running all over the place - climbing on or getting in every display she could. She had to go potty twice. I grabbed the Sawzall blades I needed and we checked out. 

As I was strapping Eliana back into her car seat I noticed  some cash on my passenger seat. I don't really carry cash and I certainly don't leave it laying around my car. I quickly scanned the interior and realized there was $100 in twenties scattered about the seat and floorboards. What! How? I had left the windows cracked to give Polly Esther the Pomeranian some air.  You may know that Polly travels with us a lot these days as Eliana is obsessed with our dog and "needs" to have her with us at all times. At any rate someone slipped 5 twenty dollar bills in through my window. Side note, I'm sure Polly must have been barking her head off while this went down. I quickly scanned the parking lot to see if I noticed anyone or any familiar cars but nothing. It occurred to me that I may not even know the person who gave the money. The bottom line was that in that moment I knew it was God appointing someone to send us a message - that He has not forgotten us.  I prayed a huge prayer of gratitude and slowly pulled out of the parking lot to continue going about our errands.

Later this afternoon I decided to pull through a Starbucks drive through. I ordered at Venti Americano.  As I ordered it I thought how it was slightly more expensive than the brewed coffee I normally order but that perhaps it was ok since we'd just been given the money at Home Depot. As I pulled forward to the pick up window the Starbucks lady told me that the sweet lady in the vehicle in front of me had already paid for my drink! I quickly looked up to see an unidentifiable SUV/Van type vehicle take off from the parking lot. At that point I told the Starbucks lady - well Praise God! As I pulled forward I grabbed my hair and just strarted yelling my Praise to God. I had to park the car I was so excited. I was shouting Praise God thank you - thank you! Eliana got excited too and together we were shouting out thank yous whooping and hollering! Eliana didn't quite get it but I told her God had given us money at Home Depot and that God had given me my coffee for free! We both just got tickeled and she thought it was so fun that I was so lit up!

Talk about living expectantly! On both of these occasions today I Tweeted and Facebooked my gratitude to the anonymous messengers of God's love. I almost posted my next location just in case someone else wanted to join the trend! Instead I drove home just happy.

Back at home Eliana and I were playing in the front yard. A neighbor friend drove up to surprise us with food! She showed up with our favorite snack - a block of cheddar cheese, Ritz crackers and summer sausage (pretty country I know)! She also brought a bottle of orange juice - Eliana's beverage of choice! This too was just because...

This morning I remember asking God to show up - to bring us new hope. Wow. I'm speechless. I'm stunned. I feel such peace inside in this moment. Today was a message of far greater worth than the actual value of the cash, coffee and sausage. Today God spoke. Today God reminded us.

Thank you God. Thank you that I took the afternoon off. Thank you that I went to Home Depot and took Polly so that the windows would be cracked. Thank you that you show up in the ordinary details like Starbucks lines. Thank you for folks that are praying for us. Thank you that just this afternoon a friend of ours, Millie Snook in Washington state told me that she'd be doing 1 Thessalonians 5:17 for us - praying without ceasing!

You never know what a day will bring. I'm reminded of Matthew 6:25-34 and especially verse 34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." It seems that lately our days are filled with trouble. Lindsey has felt horrible for longer than I can remember. Eliana seems to be in a near constant state of fear & anxiety. I feel stretched thin and worn. But God keeps showing up. He keeps giving us just what we need when we feel that we our slipping from sanity. Moral of the story... if God prompts you to GIVE or GO, you should do it! If you don't know the person, do it anyway! If it's give anonymously to the Wheeler's - go for it and we'll write about it...just kidding...sort of. Glory to God.

Grace and Peace,

Chris 

hope

Here are a few things I know about hope.  The dictionary says hope means to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.  Hope is Eliana's middle name...Eliana Hope Wheeler.  To hope against hope means to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment (a lot of what I'm doing now).  Hope is something I am trying not to lose on a daily basis.  Hope is engraved on a lot of my jewelry.  I'm finding that with hope comes peace...and without hope, life is chaotic.  So, why is it so difficult to remember this? What if my circumstances don't change drastically...I'm not promised an easy life.  This morning I woke up and specifically started praying for the Lord to give me peace and hope.  I knew I would have to repeat this prayer over and over throughout the day.  About three huge rages/panic attacks later plus a hard conversation with Chris about E's progress/future plans and I'm left in a mess again.  Thank the Lord for His grace that covers my doubting heart.  We are battling for our daughter's health and peace...and we are begging God for healing of my disease.  I've never been so aware of my weakness and frailty.  I am nothing.  I can't magically make this all better.  No one can fix us. I know people want to feel like they can.  No change of my diet, or new exercise routine, or new special brain book for Eliana will bring the Hope I need...only Jesus.  Only Him...do I believe that??  I'm trying to friends.  

Love y'all,
Lindsey

warning: this post is not pretty

I am about to have a full-fledged melt down, so I thought it was time for a post/vent.  We need prayer.  Really, we need miracles.  We need Jesus.  And can I just tell you that He feels a million miles away right now.  I know in my head that He is not, but I feel like we keep getting the crap kicked out of us (wanted to use a stronger word).  Not sure where to begin...but we will start with Eliana.  Oh my word, the girl is cute and tender-hearted and funny.  And I think that's why I'm so angry watching her slowly fall back into intense anxiety/rages/panic attacks/attachment issues/OCD....the list could go on and on.  Each day is getting worse than the last.  THIS IS NOT HER FAULT!!  I'm not sure who I'm mad at...her brain, the trauma she endured, the questions that will never be answered about neglect, her doctors (I know it's not their fault)...but I'm crazy mad tonight.  I want to yell at someone and have absolutely no one to yell at.  I've watched other kids have normal tantrums and actually been jealous.  Why can't Eliana just have normal tantrums??  These aren't her fault.  You can't punish her for things that are so out of her control.  But, it is so not fun having to defend yourself against getting hurt or her hurting herself.  It's actually the most heartbreaking thing I think I've ever dealt with.  I want to take her pain from her.  I want to endure the anxiety, so she can be a "normal" 5 year old little girl.  I'm not obsessed with Halloween, but I was so sad she could not dress up and walk around.  Just one shopping trip to Walgreens a few weeks ago set her over the edge.  She saw a scary mask (no offense to those that wore scary masks...but why do we need those) and CAVED.  She keeps crying about the mask's eyes and split down the face.  She now permanently has that in her little memory.  I had to stay away from every single store that carried any Halloween decorations.  Praise God we are moving on to Thanksgiving!  Today, I took Eliana to her psychiatrist appointment and it could not have come on a better day.  Sweet girl fell asleep in the car, so I picked her up and carried her inside.  She woke up in the psych office and started raging immediately.  Our psychiatrist is amazing and is so good with her.  But, 3 of us could not help her calm down.  Her doctor was getting food out of her purse because Eliana was screaming at the top of her lungs for food.  She was kicking me with every bit of force she could muster.  And, I say it was a good visit because the doctor got to witness what few people do.  Y'all get to see her sweet face in pictures (she is the prettiest little thing ever)...and I promise you would not believe it's the same girl.  Again, not her fault.  Oh, I'm so sad for her.  So many nights I just cry going to sleep.  I promise, I wanted to drive myself one block over to the adult Vanderbilt psychiatry center and check myself in after this appointment.  But, we made it.  There is good in with the bad.  She had fun jumping on the trampoline with some of her sweet neighbor friends. So thankful for that.  Y'all...I am just begging you to pray like you never have before for a child.  She needs it!!  We need it. 

All of this does not aid in my healing/treatments for my Lyme disease.  I am supposed to get a lot of sleep...eat healthy...try not to stress.  HA!!  It really does make me laugh.  I am exhausted beyond belief.  I am going to treatments that I pray are working because they are costing us way more than our mortgage each month.  People want me to be better.  Does that make sense??  It's not any one's fault, but I don't feel like I'm getting better at all.  I am trying my darnedest to trust that God is putting me exactly where He wants me and in the right doctor's hands.  But, if I think about it too hard or too long...I get scared.  Scared that I am always going to feel this way.  I feel like I'm a prisoner in my body (from the weight gain and pain)...I tried to explain to someone that when your brain has constant pressure on it, you literally just feel out of your body most of the day.  There are a few sweet Lyme friends that get it (thank you Lord for connections and facebook)...it's the loneliest place.  You want to be around people and go places...but going out makes you feel a thousand times worse the next day.  It seems like a lose-lose.  I know that all of this seems very pessimistic...and I don't want to live that way!  I really try to stay strong for Eliana and for Chris (WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT CHRIS)...but there are nights like tonight where I just need to be honest and real.  Please pray for continued financial provision and for healing in my treatments.  Pray for Eliana's anxiety when I have to go to treatment (sometimes it's 6 hours in one day).  Tonight I am so thankful for neighbors and bible study girls (of which I can't even make it to usually) that have made us meals, watched Eliana and asked how they can help.  This journey would be next to impossible without y'all. 

Love you all,
Lindsey

P.S.  Chris is a rock star husband and dad...but y'all already know that!  He serves us endlessly...right now he is cleaning the house at 10 pm, so it will be less stressful for me tomorrow.  Love him so much.

my hair

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

My hair has always been an issue for me starting from an early age. In pictures, I know what age I was just by the straightness (or lack there of) of my hair. I have naturally curly hair...and my parents thought it would be neat to give me perms on top of the natural curl. Oh my...the pictures still make everyone laugh. I'm not sure there was ever a happier girl than when I discovered the hair straightener. It revolutionized my hair. And then when the "CHI" came along...my life felt complete. 

I read this verse tonight and just cried...and then started laughing thinking about my hair. God knows every single strand. He knows me...every part of me. He knows when I'm in pain. He knows when I feel like giving up. Tonight, Chris is gone and Eliana has had a rough day...and I feel unbelievably lonely. Then, I opened up Jesus Calling and read this verse.  He knows I'm lonely. He knows every aching joint. He understands how opening my eyes in the morning feels like I've climbed a mountain some days. He knows the day I got this wretched disease and the day I will be healed. He knows how every part of this journey is going to be paid for. He knows who He is going to bring in my path to encourage me. He knows the struggle going on in my mind. So, guess what?! I'm not alone. I'm so thankful for that tonight. 

Love you all,

Lindsey

P.S. If my Gran-D read this post, she would definitely make sure to tell you she likes my hair curly! :)

my home away from home

This is the view from my room at the detox center.  Let's just say that I'm very grateful for a window. I spend hours staring out of it.  Two weeks ago, I spent 22 hours in one week looking out of this little window.  If you were wondering, that's a lot of hours.  My week consisted of desperately trying to be a patient, fun, "normal" momma to Eliana.  I would pry my eyes open and force myself out of the bed and ignore the intense fatigue as best I could.  Then, for the next 3 hours, we would play, or I would watch her scooter outside.  I would get her ready for her afternoon pre-K and get her to school.  Then, I would race to detox and begin my treatments.  I got injections/iv's, swallowed a lot of supplements, spent hours in hand/foot baths, and many other treatments that I had never heard of until Lyme disease changed my life.  Then, I would get home...have family time (which most of the time included sweet girl having some sort of panic attack at night) and try to fall asleep (my symptoms are worse at night) and wake up and do it all over again.  I'm tired.  The last 2 days my body has been in a lot of pain.  It's hard to explain it...usually, it is migrating pain.  The last 2 days it's been an all-over kind of pain.  Last night my skin was absolutely crawling and almost felt like it was burning.  It is near impossible to fall asleep with this craziness going on in my body, thus I am writing this post.  I asked for people to pray boldly that I would be healed and I'm will keep asking for it. Also, we need continued help for me to be able to go to my treatments.  It's not easy to ask for, but we need help.  God continues to surprise us with gifts from out of nowhere...and we are asking for Him to continue.  The next few weeks are going to be a little insane with Chris traveling with The Red Bus project (I love everything about his job)...so please pray for energy and strength for me as I face days without him.  I know God is working and that He has me exactly where He wants me. It's not where I thought I would be at age 33...but His ways are higher than mine.  They really are.  Lots of love.

Lindsey

anxiety= no fun at all

       Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.
                                                                                                     Charles Spurgeon

How do you explain this quote to a 5 year old?! We've had a lot of anxiety around our house in the last few days...a LOT!!  I've found myself on the edge all day and can't sleep from a racing mind.  So, it is clear to me that Eliana's anxiety has rubbed off on me.  I'm pleading with God tonight for peace...for strength for a new day.  I'm worn out and just feel like sobbing.  One of my least favorite things in the world is watching my precious girl (who is perfect in every way) drowning in fear, anxiety and panic.  Then, those scary little words lead her into unexplained rage.  It's nights like tonight where I would give anything to go back to the day she was born and rock her/sing to her/make her feel safe until she turned one (when I moved to Guatemala to be with her).  Instead, I am trying to trust the Lord that this has always been His plan for our little girl.  I could go into details, but none are really needed. She just needs prayer.  There is still a lot of good going on in her little heart and soul...and I am so thankful for that.  She's talking up a storm, making us laugh, and doing really well in her pre-K class.  Praise God for that!!  I am just one exhausted, Lyme-disease fighting momma who longs for her baby girl to feel safe.  I blew out my candles on my cake yesterday (yes, it was two days late because of her anxiety) and prayed for a year of miracles for my Eliana and for me. 

Much love,

Lindsey

Happy 33rd - We're Gonna Make It!

“We’re Gonna Make It”

This is what Lindsey and I say back and forth to each other every day – sometimes multiple times a day. It’s our way of holding on to hope for one another. The truth is we ARE gonna make and we are MAKING it – by the Grace of God. Today is Lindsey’s Birthday. It’s time to give Glory to God for my wife’s incredible life! With all my heart I want her to feel celebrated. I want her to feel the respect and admiration we (her friends and family) have for her.

Most folks have no idea how TOUGH she truly is. Though she may not look sick, you need to know she is…big time. There are days that just getting out of bed is major triumph. Lindsey is such a trooper. In short, Lindsey Erin Wheeler is brave. Lyme disease is a wicked concoction. Exhaustion and pain are such weak words to describe her symptoms. Imagine never ever feeling rested. Imagine walking through each day as if you’d just pulled a week of all-nighters. Imagine aching all over as if you have the burn of arthritis in every joint. Imagine your skin crawling with tingling sensations that are un-itch-able. I literally don’t know how she does it. I don’t know how she keeps pushing forward.

Lately she’s been enduring some incredibly intense detox sessions to counteract her Lyme disease. Just the descriptions of these detox routines would make your toes curl. She endures potions, salves, soaks, supplements, hyperbaric chambers, oxygen treatments, nutritional i.v.s, saunas, and so much more.  While undergoing these procedures she’s actively listening to those around her at the facility looking for ways to encourage and share hope with them! Are you kidding me? She’s ministering to those around her while gagging down medicine! What!

On top of battling Lyme every day – Lindsey is one amazing Momma. She pushes through the pain and exhaustion in order to invest in our girl. Most folks in her position would end up hiring full time help just in order to rest. Instead, Lindsey has made the heroic choice to stay home with Eliana in order to continue to create felt safety and security in our little girls’ soul. Lindsey plays endless silly games of dress up, tea parties, store, cooking and art projects with Eliana. When I come home each day I marvel at the hilarious conversations they’ve had throughout day. Lindsey is so good with Eliana. Lindsey is unbelievably patient.

Lately Lindsey has been deeply stirred that despite all of this we need to be grateful. She read “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp and took it to heart. Lindsey has continually been pointing out all that God has done and is doing for us in the midst of the pain, stress and strain. If I felt what she felt I’d be the biggest whiner on the planet - you’d never hear the end of it.

Lindsey is a model to us all of forgiveness, endurance, long-suffering, patience and sufficient grace.

Lindsey is a powerhouse.

I’m so incredibly proud of her.

If you see her out and about be sure to tell her how brave you think she is!

I love you with all my heart Lindsey,

- Chris

lindsey's birthday

As many of you know Lindsey is in the battle of her life for her life. She is in near constant pain and discomfort. The word "fatigue" seems so inadequate to express the amount of exhaustion she feels. Her lyme disease and co-infections have almost crushed her poor body. In addition Lindsey continues to be an amazing Momma to Eliana and patient wife to me. Lindsey is now bravely enduring an extremely intensive detox program. This regime is designed to pull or even force lyme toxins from her system. Once a week she is undergoing nutritional IVs, hyperbaric chambers, lymphatic beds, pure oxygen breathing treatments, 140 degree saunas, and over 25 unique supplements designed to flush toxins out of her body. These sessions last 4-7 hours at a time. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. (Just the smell of these supplements makes me nauseous - let alone swallow them.) I am trusting and believing that God is going to use this detoxification / cleansing program as the next significant step in her healing journey.
We are so thankful for all that God provided recently through our other Give Forward page. It feels a bit awkward to talk about money again but the truth is these 4-7 hour sessions cost about $800-$1,000 a piece. I love my job and I'm so thankful for the incredible opportunity to work at Show Hope. It's a perfect fit for our family. At this point however I can't take on any additional work (speaking gigs etc.) because it would mean more time away from Eliana - she really needs me home right now. Throughout this journey God has continually provided for the financial burdens of the medical expenses for Lindsey and Eliana through the generosity of folks around us. We're now asking God to do it again. To send people like you to help us find healing for Lindsey.

Just to make the giving interesting I thought I'd break down Lindsey's detox sessions into what I like to call "Dollars for Detox."

5 cents = 1 second of detox
$1 = 20 seconds of detox
$3 = 1 minute of detox
$180 = 1 hour of detox
$720 = 1 session of detox
$2,160= 1 month of detox
$25,920= 1 year of detox (this will at least last one year)

Her birthday is FRIDAY, August 24th.  In honor of her birthday, click here to contribute to her Lyme detox program. Spread the word.

www.giveforward.com/dollarsfordetox

Thanks friends,
Chris

Love this girl

eliana's county fair

Eliana is 5 years old!! I still can't believe that she is five. There are so many things that I love about this girl.  She is so full of life and spunk.  She is passionate about the things she loves...animals, pajamas, orange juice, her family, and dressing up.  Chris and I are so proud of the progress she is making in conquering so many of her fears.  We are so proud to be her parents!

an onion on steroids

My close friends and family know how much I despise onions.  I have tried to like them.  People will tell me, "you can't even taste it...it is finely chopped up."  Um, yes...I can taste it.  There is something about an onion that terrifies me.  I have no idea what it is.  I have always said that the worst punishment someone could give me would be to eat an entire one.  I know this sounds dramatic, but I can gag just thinking about them.  But, I feel like my new experience at the detox clinic can most be represented by this food I detest so much.  We are trying to get to the heart of things...to the root issues of my health problems.  This week a few layers of the onion have been peeled back.   

On Monday, I went to the new detox clinic (not the kind of detox you are thinking).  There is so much that went on.  I was there 7.5 hours...a new record for my Lyme appointments.  The staff was unbelievable.  I immediately connected with each of them, especially the head of the clinic.  This is going to sound absolutely insane, but about 2 minutes into talking to me...she had a word from God to give to me.  I think I can count on 2 fingers how many times someone has had a "word" from the Lord to me.  But, this was crazy.  She spoke into places of my life that she had no idea were going on.  She also shared that this does not happen often.  I just kind of sat there stunned.  I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  One layer of the "onion" had been peeled back immediately. 

The next few hours were filled with really amazing nurses coming in and out of the room making sure that my IV was okay (my first experience with IV therapy)...and to hand me a lot of different concoctions.  I gagged a few of them down.  Each time I swallowed, I would try to thank God that this nastiness is what He is using to make me better.  I've been reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp...and the timing couldn't be more perfect.  There is going to be a lot of pain in this experience, but the more pain the better...it means it is killing this awful disease and a few other things as well.  They found out that I am also suffering with 2 co-infections of Lyme and another virus that is very similar to Mono.  Plus, my heart has been suffering too.  I had been experiencing crazy heart palpitations periodically, so it was so good to know that they are going to be targeting all of this.  They want to create balance in my body by ridding me of the diseases, virus, parasite, and other toxicities.  They actually create formulas for each person individually.  The girl told me mine was one of the worst concoctions she has mixed up in a long time.  I told my mom today that it is like "an onion on steroids."  It takes every bit of mental focus and tons of prayer to swallow all of it twice a day without throwing it back up.  You can smell it a mile away.  I promise...I'm not making this up. I can't believe there is something worse to swallow than an onion. Again, we are getting to the root of my issues. 

Did I say this was going to be painful?!  Today, I am hurting...every inch of my arms and legs.  But, thank you Lord that I have arms and legs...and that this pain means that the medicine is working.  I was reminded over and over again in the clinic that this is a LONG process...I will not feel better overnight.  People fly from all over the country to come to this clinic and it's 15 minutes from me.  I'm so thankful.  Please be praying for me as I begin this new part of my journey.  I am going to need crazy strength, patience with sweet Eliana, focus and rest. Also, thank you for all that gave on our "Give 20" campaign...I am still blown away.  Please be praying for more miracles in provision because these treatments are unbelievably costly.  But, it is to get my life back!!   Love you all...know that I am still praying after midnight.  Also, I will be spending hours each week at the clinic and would love to keep praying for y'all, so send me any requests. 

Lindsey

after the wedding dance

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief."  
Proverbs 14:13

 I'm pretty sure we had one of the most precious moments with our daughter ever tonight.  All afternoon, she pranced around our house in a pretend wedding dress that our neighbor gave us.  She loved talking about Gran-D's wedding (my grandmother that got married last week)...and then started talking about wanting to dance with Dada.  She was so excited to wait on the driveway for Chris to get home.  The second he drove up, she ran to him in her little wedding dress and asked him to put on his wedding suit and dance with her.  If you know Chris, you know that he jumped at the opportunity (his suit has been worn less than 10 times and he loves his baby girl).  He dressed up...she grabbed some fake flowers and stuffed them in his coat pocket like a boutonniere...and headed to the backyard.  I turned on music and they danced.  All I could think about was how amazingly blessed she is to have Chris as her daddy.  No one but me knows how much he sacrifices and gives to us on a daily basis.  Ya'll would be blown away.  He loves her with a crazy, fierce love and would do anything for her.  He is what a daddy is supposed to be like.  

But, like most of our precious Eliana's days...her little brain went into a panic mode about 15 minutes after this special moment.  We aren't really even sure what started it...we hardly ever do.  You should just know that she lost it in every sense of the word.  The intense rages have been coming back...and it is not her fault.  Something isn't clicking right in her brain or her meds are wearing off too soon.  I can't explain the helplessness we feel when she is this out of control.  Tonight, we have been desperate for the Lord to heal her little body.  Emails have been sent to the doctor...and prayers have been said.  Chris and I just stared at each other, and all I could do was repeat this verse out loud.  I may be declaring it our theme verse for our family.  "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief."  This is our life right now.  There are moments we laugh our heads off at our funny girl, and there are moments I am crying hysterically in bed over my chronic illness.  There are days we can all do something together as a family with no anxiety...and then there are days she only can handle being around one of us.  There are moments I can get the energy up to go to Target...and then there are days I can't get out of bed.  I am so thankful for this glimpse of our precious girl tonight, but I ache over wanting her to feel whole.  I know the Lord knows it all...and that brings a lot of peace tonight.  Love you friends. 

happy birthday bulldog

For those of you that don't know...this is General Bulldog (his preferred name).  He is Chris's older brother and my sweet brother-in-law (even though I just call him brother).  He is one of the most hilarious, real, Jesus-loving, game-playing, black/white seeing people I know...and I love him with all of my heart!!  There is no one that loves Connect 4 more...and he beats most everyone he plays.  Not a day goes by that we don't wish we lived closer to him. We are so thankful for John Jr...who is 44 years old today!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY BULLDOG!  We love you so much and are so thankful for your life!

grateful

Just needed y'all to know how grateful I am for each of you.  I have watched God provide in ways I never dreamed possible through our Give Forward account.  You will never know how much it means to us.  I feel like it has been a huge burden lifted...and there is a clean slate in front of us.  We love each of you!!  We are so humbled and thankful.  There is a lot going on in my head, but tonight this is what I needed you to know.  Lots of love.

The Wheeler family

a picture is worth a thousand words

...just a few reasons I love being Eliana's momma.  Every day is an adventure. 

 I am so proud to call her my daughter.  

curve ball

So, I thought I was tired last week when I posted.  Ha!  We have been thrown a few curve balls in the last week.  My appointment for my Lyme disease was tough and good all at the same time.  I cried to the nurse...I cried to the doctor.  I basically didn't stop crying the entire time.  I think that's called an emotional breakdown.  My wise, caring doctor looked at me and said, "Lindsey, we are going to see you heal.  Don't forget that it is baby steps."  He then prayed for me and gave me a huge hug.  I sobbed.  They started me on some new supplements to help with the severe fatigue.  I walked out of the office and felt relief.  He got it.  He got that I am not just dealing with Lyme disease...I am also dealing with a precious little Guatemalan who requires a lot of attention.  And, I realized I need to give myself a break...I have been feeling like such a failure.  He reassured me that I am not a failure, I am sick.  Thank you Jesus for that sweet reminder.

Fast foward about one day...and pain and fatigue doesn't even cut it.  I felt like absolute death.  I didn't get out of bed.  I didn't want to move.  I could barely raise my arms.  I walked outside one day for a few minutes to get some fresh air, and my neighbors all said I looked so pale and sick.  Treating Chronic Lyme is tricky...and when you are actually healing, you feel SO MUCH worse.  It's called a herx.  And boy did I have a herx.  In the moment, you feel like you will never get out of it.  Thankfully, I was able to move again on Wednesday.

Now comes the part that we add Eliana into the equation...since her last ER visit, she has been complaining about her head hurting.  Normally, that would not be a big deal...but my child has the highest pain tolerance of any child I've ever met.  All day Wednesday, she would tell me her head hurts.  I knew something was wrong.  This will make you gasp (at least it did me)...we were all outside with the neighbors and she asked to go to bed at 7:45 p.m.  She has never asked to go to bed in the history of her life and especially not when the sun was still outside.  She fell asleep saying her head hurt.  Then, the seizures started again.  She also threw up a few times too.  Ever since Wednesday, her fatigue has been intense (this is a child that always has energy).  She has had fevers on and off...complains of head pain...and sleeps.  She didn't get off of the couch all day Thursday and until 3 today.  That is not our sweet girl.

Chris and I took her to her neurology appointment today fully ready to unload all of the things that are going wrong and things that have really been concerning us.  She could not even hold her head up during the doctor's visit.  She fell asleep in my arms and was burning up.  The neurologist looked at us and said that he thinks the "breakthrough" seizures of the last 2 weeks are probably from her dealing with a virus.  The headaches did not seem to concern him.  THEY REALLY CONCERNED ME!  After watching her for a little bit, he told us to take her down to the ER and get her looked at to make sure it is not the flu or something else.  (It was at this point that Chris and I made the decision we are going to have an ER kit/bag that we keep in our cars because this place is becoming our second home).

So, when the second doctor of the night came in...we told Eliana's history all over again.  We told about her hospital stay 2 months ago...and the events of the last 2 weeks.  She looked at me and said, "Has she had any tick bites?"  I think I let out a little scream...and then I wanted to hug her for even admitting ticks cause problems.  And yes, Eliana has been bitten by ticks in the last month.  I hate ticks...despise them in fact.  I took another one off of her this morning.  She then says, her symptoms of the last 2 weeks sound a lot like Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.  I think I'm still in shock when I say it.  They think she has been infected...to the point that they started her on Doxycycline (what I first took when the doctors finally figured out I had Lyme).  We will have definitive results in 3 days.  I immediately started reading about this tick disease.  Fevers, chills, loss of appetite, headaches, vomiting...etc.  Yep, she's had all of that.  Poor sweet baby.  I am so thankful for an ER doctor that was proactive and didn't just say she has a virus and send us away.  She actually listened to me when I said the head pain is so unusual for her...and that throwing up is not a normal thing after she complains about her head.  It seems so unreal that we would both have diseases from ticks.  I hate them.  So, our trip to the neurologist ended up being 8 hours in the ER with an ending that I would have NEVER guessed.  I am begging God to protect her little body and heal our family.  Thanks for praying for us...for caring.  God is in this...I know He is.  It's just hard to see right now.

Love y'all,
Lindsey

the pendulum of pain

"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

--C.S. Lewis

I think I've kind of done a pitiful job of "attending" to my pain. I haven't written in a while because my fatigue has been so intense and my hands have been hurting so much, but I wanted to share an update about our precious Eliana (and me).  I feel like Eliana's struggles and anxiety have been on one side of a pendulum and my Lyme disease and fatigue have been on the other side.  We keep going back and forth.  When she is struggling, I try desperately to forget that I am sick.  When I'm really sick, I try to convince myself that she is better. The days where our pain overlaps are the days I feel like I can't take another step.  I've had a few of those over the last week. I think I have been living in survival mode for quite a while and I'm ready to be done with it.  


Lyme disease is really difficult to explain to people because you look normal.  You might even actually have a few "good" days.  But, then you will wake up and feel like:   
A. you have run a marathon and you didn't train   
B. every bone and muscle in your body hurts to the point you don't want to move  
C. you have pulled 5 all nighters in a row when actually you have slept 18 hours a day


In the last few weeks I can honestly say, D. ALL OF THE ABOVE!  Chris is such an amazing husband...he truly loves me so well through this.  But, for some reason, I feel like I have to explain that I really am truly sick to him and all of my neighbors because my house looks like a bomb has gone off, we have 12 loads of laundry that need to be done, I don't have the energy to even think about cooking/doing grocery shopping.  I need to be exercising and I literally can't.  I was riding my bike a few weeks ago and the day after I exercised, I would be on the couch the entire next day.  I guess I'm telling y'all this because I have another big Lyme appointment tomorrow morning.  I need a new plan...a new treatment.  I know I can't do IV antibiotics because I live with a wild child.  But, I need something to bring hope.  Please be praying so much for this appointment and for the strength for me to do whatever needs to be done.


So, on Monday, I was having a rough day feeling like D. ALL OF THE ABOVE...and out of the blue, Eliana had a really bad seizure.  I obviously have not done enough researching because I thought that she couldn't have seizures because she was now on medication.  WRONG!  It was pretty awful.  I saw her drifting as I drove up in our driveway, and immediately started yelling her name.  I grabbed her out of her car seat and she was pretty lifeless experiencing weird convulsions that I have never seen.  I tried pinching her and she would not respond.  I freaked.  Thank the Lord, my sweet neighbors all ran to my side and stood over Eliana trying to keep her alert and awake until we got the okay from the neurologist that she could sleep.  Chris got home, and she fell asleep immediately.  Seizures take it out of you.  She slept about an hour and a half and woke up having another really bad seizure...this one lasted even longer.  The neurologist told us to hang up and call 911.  Not a fun phone call to make.  The ambulance came and we headed to Vanderbilt ER again.  Once we got there, we were escorted in a little room.  She was really tired but kept complaining about her head hurting (she NEVER complains about pain) and then she would start throwing up.  We believe she was having a migraine headache after the seizures.  She threw up a lot.  And literally, after hours of being there, they upped her anti-seizure medication and told us to keep a close watch on her.  It wasn't quite the answers I wanted, but we have 3 appointments for her next week alone to dig deeper.  I haven't really slept well since Monday night...and my body is aching.  But, I am watching her like a hawk.  Ultimately, I know the Lord has her in His hands...way better than mine.  I just hate watching her struggle (much like my mama hates watching me struggle with Lyme).  The medicine has made her pretty lethargic...which is not like her.  But, I am praying her body adjusts.  Thanks for praying for her and her little body.  She is so precious in every way!!  

We love you all so much,
Lindsey


P.S.  A couple of weeks ago, I started a fundraiser page to help with some of our medical costs, if you want to help us out, go to:  www.giveforward.com/thewheelerfamily.  Thank you SO MUCH to everyone that has already given...it really has gotten me through this week!! 

help for lindsey's lyme and eliana's expenses

I have had a few people ask if there is any way that you can help out...and someone mentioned "Give Forward" to me.  As many of you know, treating Lyme disease is costly and will take years to heal...plus, we are now paying for Eliana's hospital bills and future therapies to help her little brain.  If you want to help give to our medical expenses (not covered by insurance), check out this link.  Thanks for caring so much!!  Love you all.


http://www.giveforward.com/thewheelerfamily

same old same old

So, I have had a rough few days (so has E for that matter)...maybe it's the crazy weather.  But, my fatigue is intense right now and my joints are in a lot of pain.  I went back to my Project Lymeaid blog and thought I would re-post my first blog to explain a little bit of what I am going through on a daily basis.  Now that E is more stable, I have really been trying to take care of myself.  I am eating healthy and exercising.  And, basically, I'm sad that I still feel so terrible.  Yesterday I just kept begging God for healing.  In the meantime, thank you for praying!

________________________

September 19, 2010

My life and lyme....

I'm not sure where to even begin. It has been a crazy journey over the last 3 or 4 years (really 6 but who's counting)! My family went through an incredible amount of stress and pain about 6 years ago....and from that time until today, my body seemed to lose energy by the day. I remember telling my husband Chris that something was just NOT RIGHT. I had mono about 9 years ago....and this definitely felt like what I had experienced. I went to different doctors and was told that I was depressed and had anxiety. So, for six years I have tried every anti-depressant on the market....some made me feel a thousand times worse and then the one I have been on for 3 years has not made me feel any better or worse, so I have stuck with it. My body continued to gain weight....and a lot of it. For about 2 years, I have dealt with rapid heart flutters (which concerned me)....but had EKG's and nothing showed up. I was told it was just probably anxiety. Then, over the last half of a year my body began to ache. My joints would hurt in crazy places....my hands and arms would go to sleep and I began experiencing a ton of pain. I remember telling me mom about all of these latest symptoms and her telling me that I really needed another opinion.

I think I just got to a point where I had decided that I was dying. I know that sounds drastic. But, I kept telling people that I really didn't feel depressed. I just felt every single day like I had pulled an all-nighter in college and NO AMOUNT of sleep would make me feel rested. Doctors would do blood tests and everything would be normal. I was told "You're a new mom of a 3 year old....this is just how it is." I can't tell you how many times I walked out of the doctor's office feeling overwhelmed, defeated, and hopeless. I begged God for answers. So, in early June, I went to a different doctor and told her all of my symptoms. I just burst out crying and said, "Something is so wrong with me.....I feel like I'm dying." She listened....and started writing. She looked at me and said, "It sounds like you have Lyme disease....have you been bitten by a tick." WHAT?!!!!

Fast forward, the test was POSITIVE!! I have had it for years....the last time I remember being bit by a tick was at Kanakuk Kamps in 2001. I didn't know anything about this disease. The more I have read and researched....the more my heart is broken for the thousands of people suffering. It is a very misunderstood and controversial disease. For most people, if you take anti-biotics right after the tick bites you, you will be totally fine and okay. But, there is a percentage of us that have had it for a long time and it could take YEARS of treatment to "cure" the disease. Without going into a lot of detail, treatment is very costly and most insurance companies don't want to pay for chronic lyme disease. So, my prayer is simple....healing! And, I want others to understand the disease and spread awareness.