our delivery of eliana

I just read and cried my way through Ann Voskamp's latest post on Labor and Delivery.  I think a lot of my tears started with the fact that I missed the day of Eliana's birth.  Eliana still doesn't fully understand her entire adoption...children with her anxiety and trauma process things differently.  So, she still truly believes that she was in my tummy.  Every time she says it, a part of me wants to bawl my eyes out and part of me wants to throw up.  It breaks my heart that I don't have pictures with her in the hospital or maternity shots.  I hope that makes sense.  So, after I threw myself a little pity party, I re-read what Ann said about delivery...and the biggest part was that delivery does not stop when the baby enters the world.

Ann writes, "Once you start delivering a child, just keep on: Keep delivering, handing over, yielding the child to God.  This is how you birth beauty in the midst of the messy."

I can't tell you how much I needed to read this tonight.  We spent over a week away from Chris while he was leading a team of students from Show Hope to Haiti.  I experienced a few moments with Eliana that were extremely painful and difficult.  See, there is a deep-seated fear that when one of us is gone for a longer period of time...we won't come back.  She raged and sobbed and begged for "dada" and then finally cried "who will be my dada if he doesn't come back."  Oh Lord, help me.  Those words just tear me apart.  I can't take her fear away.  I want to...I wish I could carry every single bit of her anxiety and pain.  I can't make it okay.  I can't talk her out of it.  I just keep on delivering her to God...praying for her little life...begging God to restore the pieces that are broken.  After her episodes have dissipated, I just look at her in amazement.  We get to show Jesus to her...to love her...to be patient...to believe in healing for her little soul. Lord, please keep birthing beauty in our little girl in the midst of our seriously messy lives.  Use me when I can't even get out of bed.  Give me strength.

If you want to see our version of Eliana's delivery, click HERE.  It's the day she was first put into our arms!  I love our little girl so much.

Love y'all,
Lindsey

(P.S.  This picture was taken right after she was placed in my arms!)